Nonfast Turtle Juice.

To My Husband

2012-02-14T16:00:00.000-08:00

* I wrote this so that I could get down some of what I think a woman wants from a mate; but definitely is what I would desire my husband to be. I am a hopeless romantic and a dreamer, but the stuff below is what I ask God for, so I already know I'll love him (whoever he is), because God is preparing us for each other.

This a sort of opening and offering up (both personal and universal) picture of hopeful Love. Valentine's Day, Feb 14, 2012.

To my Husband,

I am so happy God gave you to me. You are an answer to my prayers. You are my best friend, just the right someone to spend the rest of my days with. I am proud to spend them alongside of you, so proud.

There is much about me that you will learn. Some not-so-good things I didn’t even realize that were even there, probably buried things and some baggage I certainly bring straight off the bat…but I know that you will be able to handle them with care, as you handle me with gentleness always.

I don’t know what the future holds for us, many tears will come, but many days also filled with laughter, I know. And through both, I hope that we never lose faith and trust God to help see us through to have peace and joy throughout our time together; however short or long it is. I’m hoping in forever, of course.

I can’t wait to have your child. To have his or her eyes like yours peering back at me with that innocent love, would completely melt my heart. I have always wanted to marry, have a family, and have a husband to adore, and yes, share my genes with. I hope we have three kiddos, but I won’t stop having your babies; giving you a legacy and wanting your beauty to continue…

I want to bless our children with a bright future. I want to instill in them a love for God, people, and service, but that has to start with you. My criteria has always been: “Can he be my friend? Does he put God first? Does he serve God with his heart, body, passion, and life? Does he treat me well, respect me, take me just as I am? Is he patient with me (enough to be), and can he be a leader over himself, me, and his children?”

I need, want, and ask you to be the leader in the home. I will walk alongside of you and support you in whatever you do and respect what you do, if it is within God’s will and calling for you and us. But, this one thing is important: I won’t follow a corrupt leader and I won’t allow my children to be raised by one. That is quite the ultimatum, I realize, and quite a challenge to undertake, but it is necessary as something I know that God wants me to require of you...to be bold and brave in caring out your leadership in Christ Jesus and staying true to your commitments.

I need you to fight for us, to fight for truth.

I need you to look for God for solutions, in good and bad times.

I ask that we make a pact to always discuss our thoughts, fears, and feelings so that we will always have open communication and remain friends to the end of our days. I hope to grow old with you through all the trials, triumphs, difficulties, misunderstandings, challenges…right to the finish line.

I love you with all my heart, now and forever, my love.

I am waiting for you.

Your love always,

Your wife

Flags and Pledges: What in the world does it matter?

2012-02-12T13:15:00.000-08:00

“I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America,
and to the republic for which it stands,
one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”

I remember when I was a little girl, in grade school, saying this very pledge to the United States flag. While doing so (although customary and ritual), I felt a swell and great sense of pride in crossing my hand over my heart and reciting the infamous pledge. There was this sort of feeling of unity while we did it, a sort of national calm and sustaining power that seemed to promote equality and reverence “for which we stood”. The right to do that and the ability to take pride in both flag and country, while not being required or made to do so was, well, liberating.

When I went overseas, I pledged to other flags and sung other anthems; the Kenyan, Malagasy, but it never was quite the same. I did so out of respect to my residencies and my new routine, but I never in my heart, felt the main attraction of the spirit of freedom that my home flag had made me feel…no, not ever.

I’ve always understood those words in the pledge to mean that I have a choice to respect and own a stake in some amazing citizenship here on earth, in which many men envied and even fought to acquire. Yes, something to indeed be proud of.

Now, while saying so, there started a flame and swing in me more towards an African pride of land, that since moving there I now graced and grew to know (and yes, own), as the landscape therein entered my heart and soul. I also acquired a French palette and breath of life which now become more my norm as well, so I was clearly a rather confused individual at my own citizenship authenticity (and still rather torn today). Yet, the familiar and/or national independence of that far away home of my birth evidently was still in my blood, and however non-American I became while spending the most critical years of my upbringing in the continent of Africa, I could still remember and respect how necessary and important it was to enact that right and appraise it.

This whole challenge emerges to the national forefront, discussion boards, and within my own registered voting self, because our government is taking away this (and many) essential acts of our precious liberty, our very American essence…and it truly sends me reeling.

I don’t understand why our nation would not want our schools and children to have that kind of democratic swell in them also; the kind I felt at 5 or 6, instilled into our bright kids, the future generations? Seems to me, that when “We not-so the People” make decisions of this nature, we are taking that nostalgic framework from our history (that worked very well by the way), and flush it right down the drain, along with any hopes that the ones who grow up without these certain inalienable rights and foundations would even deem or begin to dare to even fight for, love, or respect the country that they are herein graced with. Where would they learn respect to value “We the People” then? What would make them want to stand up, take pride in, soar for, or place their hopes upon? Aren’t we stripping the American Dream right from under our own noses?

“What you sow, you shall reap.”

While that is a biblical statement, it is one that explains well what happens when you yank or take your eyes off of a grounding factor or character enhancer, like the pledge of allegiance or the “In God we Trust” signs and symbols readily displayed in our capital and local government buildings, cemeteries, schools, and other institutions.

And, this government wasn’t founded on God???

Well, I beg to differ…I don’t have to be a rocket scientist or have an enormous IQ to discover the proof in the pudding. We have a nation that not only supported “God-given” rights and God-based theology, but also God-reverence and reference as base camp for promoting our nations power, wealth, and character.

If our nation wasn’t founded or didn’t claim a “God-given” authority in its documents, or buildings, currency, constitution, or military, then the atheists wouldn’t have a target or battle to begin to bring forward or rage about.

What is happening to that country I once believed in as a little girl? I still believe, yes, I still have hope in my heart for our national heritage to continue, but it saddens me to see the rug pulled out from under it, making its foundation weak at best and capable of being misappropriated, misused, abused, overthrown, and quite possibly, obliterated. I fear losing prayer in schools, the pledge, and anything to do with mention of our Creator, will allow for “our America” to descend into complete fallout from society and history.

Many great civilizations were overthrown by “the man”, and aren’t we arrogant if we think we are immune? But maybe this is what “We the People” need, and quite possibly that chance to realize how good it used to be?

I say chance, because what we have had in this country, all the wealth, strength, character, and power, this real and great generous gift from heaven many countries want, crave, point to, and/or model themselves after; since we have become the world’s big brother (so-to-speak) of all things good and democratic. But too many times it takes us, the oh-so-stubborn ones, a lot to lose before we come to the conclusion that what we had that the Lord blessed and called good, was good.

With things like this going away, that were our staples (like throwing out the proverbial and literal American apple pie with the Barbecue), we’ll soon not just jeopardize our mental economy, but our national pride bank and trust, in my humble opinion. This security and warmth that I once drew from as a child, is now becoming a long-lost memory, and is surely making me feel cold and isolated in a place I once knew and loved...I wonder how others feel about the change in climate?

As you can tell, I think about this often…

Who will the other countries look up to then? Where will “Big Brother” be found?

Aren’t we their model for a reason? If so, what is that reason? Isn’t it because we’ve had a different foundation, different columns than theirs holding up our home?

What better bank than to put our sense and marbles into than a piece of God’s pie? Without it, where does it leave us, really? I really think we’ll die, I really do. Because, if we reject the main ingredient that held our batter together as a strong nation, then aren’t we just setting ourselves up for a disastrous outcome? A recipe for disaster, indeed.

To everything there is a season. Maybe this season in which we now are a part of, live, move, and exist in, is the downfall of our kingdom’s reign? Maybe so.

Yes. For what we shall sow is what we shall surely reap.

What is our country currently sowing? What does our flag even represent anymore? I look at it and around and nothing looks familiar…the people changed, angry, hateful, confused, lost, and the times depressing.
The signs that pointed our democratic way, disappearing.

My mind keeps going...
What are we going to reap from this? In my mind’s eye, I already see red flags and a country far from the values that stood the test of time in reaping glory and its mission; a country missing its longstanding heritage and legacy…

If "We the People" don't want God, then we won't have him...and our country will look different, that's a guarantee. But neither will it be sunny or warm. We only have to look at other cultures and countries to see what we will become of us without him. If we walk away, we leave him behind, and all that is good will stay where he stays...We stray from the company of the Creator, and hell will surely follow, period.

They haven't "pulled the plug" yet, but its coming. Yeah, I really do think.

And I don't know if we are able to save the decline of our initial intentional moral compass...
But I will surely try.

Yep, that’s the big picture it in a nutshell, Jack.

The Greatest Gift

2012-01-06T11:27:00.000-08:00

One of the greatest gifts I’ve gotten is a Bible.
I remember getting them as gifts when I was growing up, a tradition for my family. But this isn't about those times...exactly.

It isn’t just the fact that a Bible could, was, and is the perfect gift for someone (for me), but I never cherished them; and didn't really read them (which most of us are guilty of if we really are honest with ourselves). This time with this certain specific gifting, came both sentiment and purpose, so maybe I could cherish it more this time? I did, as it came from my Grandmother's passing.

So maybe it wasn’t directly “gifted” to me, but my mom asked me what I wanted of her’s (to remember her by) when family were going through her things, and I had no clue to what she may have that I would possibly want. So, I didn’t really put any thought into it. I didn’t really know what, if anything, that there would be something of her’s I even wanted to inherit and/or could remember her by…
Truth was, that after leaving the farm, she did not own many possessions. Having downsized when she moved into the nursing home, there was really not much there to speak of (or keep), that would be all that worth it and/or last.

Furniture got picked through and divided by my uncles and such though, the china given over to my mom, and since those were most of the items she had, I didn’t know of anything left for little ole me in the meager lot…but I was wrong.

My mother mentioned to me that she had had a few Bibles in her possession, and did I want one of them? Since my Grandmother was a diligent reader and studier of the Word, a disciplined servant of God, I recognized that this memento could mean more and last longer than any piece of china, so I said: “Sure!”

I looked through what she had brought home and picked up the Amplified Bible. Looking through it, I realized that it was a more wordy translation than I was used to, and since I am wordy and love words, I instantly knew that this Bible was the right one for me. My mom said: “It’s yours”’.

And so, now it IS mine, and it is the Bible I use the most.

Throughout it, every here and there, there are these highlighted parts; clearly verses that meant a lot to her or jumped out of for her upon some moment of study. When I am reading and studying it myself now, I have marked it all marked up as well, while I’m still running into those highlighted ones she left behind. I always wonder what she was thinking, when, and why she marked a certain passage. I will never really know, but it is nice to see that she got much use from the text and thought about what she read.

There was a moment, one day in church, when I looked at the front inside cover and saw her name there. I hadn’t seen it before, and there underneath it, was the year 1991. I guess, she either received the Bible as a gift or gifted it to herself that year. Under these both, in pencil, were the words: ‘Let my mouth be a well of sweet water’.

I smiled reading that, as it took me back to the talks we had and her passion for God and his Kingdom…

So there was something I actually needed of Grandma’s after all.

Thanks, Grandma, for your legacy and I’m glad I have your gift.
I hope from the Word getting into me, that the ‘well of sweet water’ comes from my mouth also.

*I intend to pass on the tradition to hand out Bibles as gifts, but make sure my children know the importance in cherishing it...and passing it on.

2012-01-04T11:24:00.001-08:00

Starting 2012 by reading and studying the Bible every morning (and praying). I have to commit to this, as I repent from not doing this last year. This is a step and change I can get behind.

My prayer time usually has been at night (and sometimes I read), but it isn't nearly enough; it isn't enough to feed my soul and cause real impact in my life. I've seen fruit, but want more...So now, I've decided to do both.

Saying "Goodbye" to you, 2011.

2011-12-31T10:27:00.000-08:00

A new year introduces to us all many challenges and trials; times of reflection, times of tears, and times of joy.

When I go out this year into the next, I hope to keep God closer than ever before. This past year, God has shown me that he can and will provide for my needs emotional, spiritual, and financial…that he does what he’s promised in his Word to do.

Many times I found myself in dire straits regarding these, with emotional, financial, and spiritual attacks. But as I have grown spiritually, in my prayer life, I’ve become more aware at recognizing these attacks. This has made me lean even more on God’s guidance, protection, and provision than ever before; seeking to conform my mind to Christ all the more.

This spiritual progress in my journey has also helped me recognize the ways in which he has provided; some supernatural, and some, using people and places around me. One particular moment of God’s intervention and provision was through a friend:

One day, I came out to my car after an evening at a local McDonalds, checking my email, and found my car would not start. It was 11:00 pm and this man drove up next to me. He was wearing a grey t-shirt with a police insignia but drove up in an unmarked car, so I was immediately suspicious. I did NOT leave my locked car. He remained outside of the car asking me (yelling, I suppose), if my car wouldn’t start; if I needed help. I looked helpless but didn’t speak to him, and grabbed my phone and pretended I was calling 911 (truthfully, I was about to call them).

I looked up and saw that the guy was looking behind my car. I turned my head and looked in the direction he did…There was a truck there, and I guess he said something to them, because they came ‘round to my car to give me a jump.

This is when I felt comfortable to finally get out of the car. Ironically, since this old long bearded red-neck in overalls was busy hooking wires to my car. He said that his daughter worked there, and that he picks her up from work. So happens, he’s a mechanic. My car jumped and turned right away, but he said that all it needed was a new battery (thank the Lord). I knew I had some money in the bank from unemployment enough to cover it, but was going to pray about it when I got home, because I needed that money for other things (like eating).

I had turned to see if the guy who had pulled up was still there, but he was gone. *whether he was bad or good, I got the help I needed, and didn’t have to dial 911.

The next morning, I went to start my car and it was dead again. I thought hard and knew I had to call a friend of mine. He was able to come out an hour or so later, jump my car and take me to get the new battery.

I told the guy at the Autozone what model I had and he got the battery. As I was going to pay, my friend said: “I got this”. “No, insert name!”I said. “People have done things for me before, it is just my time to do this, let me”. “Ok”, I said “Thank you”.

As the Autozone guy, from the Ukraine, replaced my car battery my friend overheard me joking about how my oil change was due, and that I was going to take it in that day. How ironic it is..and perfect timing too.

Well, after the guy got done, my friend said: “Let’s go across the street and do your oil change”. “Yeah, that is where I am headed”, I replied. He proceeds to pull this card out from his wallet. “Here,” he says, “use this card for a free oil change..I just bought this a month ago, and I will still have a free one after you use it”. “Really?” I said, “you are really helping me out...”.

He stayed in his car, to make sure that all was taken care of…the least I could do was to have lunch with him. And, I tried to buy lunch with my card, but he shoved the amount for his sandwich in my hand shortly after.

I didn’t mention that day again to him, and he wanted no accolades or recognition. What a good friend(s) I have, and what a way for God to answer my cry for help.

I can’t complain, ‘cause God has been faithful. I have to praise him more for this and all he’s done and is going to do. It doesn’t mean that bad stuff will not happen, no. It will, sadly, but God is greater than those bad things, and even those bad things can’t stop what’s in your mind and heart. If you are his, praise him because…

As with always, God has been answering my prayers, protecting me, and providing for me, sometimes in ways that hasn’t always been as I would have liked him too. But he doesn’t work the way my brain works (thank goodness). And when I need something, he always has something better for me in mind. Sometimes showing me that I didn’t need that thing at all, but something else entirely (which relieves a little pressure). However, some lessons have proved harder to learn, come by, or digest. It is all for stretching me and certainly makes me have to stop and examine the truth of the matter: that He is in charge.

I look at this New Year with great expectation. This past year had as many surprises, as it had disappointments; disappointments, because I had hoped for better outcomes than I had received and witnessed.

I lost my job this summer, there were positions I wanted that feel through, my beloved cat BOO passed away, yet I also met such amazing people, volunteered for some great organizations, made new friends…

And so another year is on its way tomorrow…I start it out with some great friends. What a way to ring it in, right?

After all: “Remember, no man is a failure who has friends.”

I am in a place where great change can happen, even as I start 2012 with no job, bills, concerns, desires, yet have also already invites to great events and more volunteer opportunities. It is unsettling, not knowing the future, but I do have quite a bit of time to pray and prioritize for it, and am reminded that God was with me in 2011 and He will be with me in 2012.

So, I have to keep up the prayers…

My prayer is that I will grow ever more close to the Lord this coming year. I long for him to prepare me better to help and inspire others in their own spiritual growth.

I also pray that I will be prepared for the greater challenges I anticipate facing because of this growth, and for God to protect and empower me through his spirit and his Word to conquer certain fears I have regarding my future, mend and strengthen my relationships and identity in Christ, and protect and guide me through the emotional, financial, and spiritual attacks that will certainly continue to come my way.

I leave 2011 with an old hymn:

My hope is built on nothing less/ than Jesus' blood and righteousness.

When all around my soul gives way/he then is all my hope and stay.

On Christ the solid rock I stand/all other ground is sinking sand.

All other ground is sinking sand.

Remembering Miami part3

2011-12-20T17:54:00.000-08:00

The next day, we rushed around again.

This time, we had to take Amada to the airport, and then get back to set up for the pro life event.

It was held back at Tania’s building…on the roof to be exact. There was an amazing pool, and again, a view to die for. *some of the skyscrapers were decorated with Christmas inspired décor you could clearly see from there…they were tres pretty.

Tania also showed us parts of the amenities that the tenants of her building enjoyed, as we were going back and forth to get supplies. There was a spa, a movie theater, and gym in her building. As tenants, they get free access to these…Pretty sweet deal, I say.

The event went on like clockwork. Ivette was a great presenter and moderator. She really did a great job helping out in every aspect of the event, from event planning, to the details in the announcements and invitations.

My favorite part was when the children spoke about why they were for saving the babies...

Bella and Joshua (aided by Ara), spoke to the crowd, versing well their concern for the unborn. It was not only cute, but powerful, as Bella was a child that had been saved from abortion by the efforts of actor Eduardo Verastegui, a former Mexican model singer/actor turned pro life speaker, sidewalk counselor, producer, and activist. I had also hoped he had been there as well, since his story is a fascinating one; where he had a conversion of faith which changed the direction of both his professional and spiritual life, to one that serves God instead.

I had no clue who I was going to meet while in Miami. I also didn’t know anyone but Ara there, and not all that well. But I did know, as I was told, the event was supposed to have had speaker Lianna Robelledo from Eduardo’s organization Manto de Guadalupe speak, but she was unable to attend last minute. Ara had to find another speaker to fill in for her…such a bummer. I was bummed to have heard that as this trip to Miami would have been an opportunity for me to hear her speak; but it was not meant to be. *later, I would meet her in person, and hear her story from a friend. She was gang raped, got pregnant, and kept her baby. Amazing, powerful life story of perseverance, choosing Life, and being a voice to the voiceless. I still haven't heard her speak....some other day, maybe.

The video they had so meticulously worked on/compiled, and it was a new thing for me to see, as I hadn’t seen many videos or material of the pro life movement. I was still a newby to it all, only having been “in it” for a few years, but they really did a good job depicting the tragedy of lives lost to the assumed “choice”, and in promoting this new organization. The song featured throughout the video was called “Unidos por la Vida” (United for Life), written and performed by Eduardo himself, and it was the perfect fit to the night’s ambiance and intention.

I spent my time hanging out with Janie, Ara, and Ivette, mostly because of the language barrier at the event, but was happy to meet the people there who were passionate about Life.

We all pitched in to clean up after, and packed up the cars, hugged people goodbye, and headed back home…I made sure I was also packed up that night, so I wouldn’t have to do it the next morning.

I believe this is where Ara, Joshua, and I had scrambled eggs together, just the three of us, the next morning. I remember that Ara was cooking while Joshua watched a movie in the other room. I assumed she didn’t want me watching her cooking skills out of embarrassment or something (maybe this is a cultural thing), as she had suggested I go and watch with the movie with Joshua, but I chose to stay in the kitchen; I wanted to have a moment with Ara all to myself, quietly, before I left.

She was putting ham in the eggs; tearing the meat with her hands…She apologized for not having proper cooking etiquette, but that “this is how we do it (scrambled eggs) in Mexico”. I chuckled and said that I am worse and no worries about it, and I am ready to eat the Mexican made scrambled eggs.

I almost forgot, we also had toast with mayonnaise on it…yeah, I didn’t know if I would like it, but I did. Apparently, this is also a Mexican thing?? Well, just another new thing I learned while being there.

Then, the last goodbye, and I left the way I came…through the skies.

It was such an amazing time. I had so much fun in those three days…

A mini adventure, for sure.

So glad I took a chance and spread my wings to fly to Miami.

Remembering Miami part2

2011-12-20T17:50:00.001-08:00

So, um back to the story at hand…

Round 1 also included a butt-load of sushi and night of dancing at Ara’s favorite salsa club…

We packed into someone’s car (I forgot who’s) and got to know each other REAL well, lol. Found out that Nikki is a Southern girl, and also Protestant, so that was a kindred spirit moment.

We all made it there, and everyone at the club knew Ara…It was a fav reg. spot of her’s after all, and once she got on the dance floor she got to it. I just sat and watched in awe at her and her partner (s) movements on the floor.

*Hispanics can shake their “you-know-what’s” btw.

Man alive!!! It’s amazing… young or old…short and fat, it doesn’t matter when you can dance salsa, you can dance amigo…whoa, yes sir!

Said my goodbye's to Rodolfo and Nikki as soon as I said "hello" to them, it seemed. Nice people...good friends.

The next day, we had a full day running around getting ready for the pro life event on Sunday. But, before that, Ara, David, and I went to mass for Ara’s confirmation (I am assuming to/through Mary). I didn’t know much of what was happening, but that it was an important moment in her life. She needed a sort of fatherly stand-in, and David provided that service. There were these little pins that said: “I have called you by name; you are Mine” , given out to the confirmation participants by the nuns. David grabbed one for Ara (as custom tradition) from the basket, but also grabbed a SECOND ONE…which he gave to me when he sat back down.

Another inclusive gesture that I had not anticipated, nor asked for…Made me feel special indeed, and I wore it during Rosario por la Vida’s event in their honor.

Eating kind of took a back seat that fast-paced weekend, so, when I could I grabbed it. At the church, I bought some tamales or other and some coffee.
A girl's gotta eat.

David thought he'd lost his camera...I recall there was an urgency to find his bag. We did find it under the seat luckily as it was a brand new lens.

Ivette, Ara, and I went to Ara’s friends Tanya’s place, for them to finish up some much needed computer work and fine tuning of a promotional video for the event. I had also recognized Tania in pictures (along with her daughter Bella) but hadn’t known that they knew her well, nor that they lived in Miami…and was also surprised at how at home I felt there, at their home that day, despite not having previously known them or having never been in their presence.

It was an added bonus, for sure to meet them, and there was the evident language barrier, but it didn’t seem to faze Bella at all. She took me to her room, showed me her toys, music, and then had a good time poking me while hiding…showing me her dog, etc…Loved every moment of it!

And like mother, like daughter, they were both soooo beautiful…

*Hispanic (cover my bases) /Mexican people are beautiful, period. There, I said it..lol.

Tania’s place had an amazing balcony that overlooked the heart of the city. Loved the view! You could see many different shiny skyscrapers and water in the near distance.

*I didn’t get to the water or many other parts of Miami…maybe next time.

David, the photographer, joined us there later that afternoon and we ordered Pizza. They wrapped up their work there and we then went back

to put together the small takeaway goody bags for the event. Stuff was strewn everywhere on her dining table and we spent a few hours knocking out as many as we could. It was fun, although admittedly for me, it was interesting to have shown support and help out with the Catholic event.

Clearly there were religious differences that we could have addressed and the Mary contention did came up again later when David, Ara, and I came back from Ara's confirmation, but I was just happy to be there and be with them; meeting many other fun people, not get deeply theological.

Maybe I was a little in denial about the trip and my participation in these events, but I truly didn’t know what to think or what I would encounter during it, and however complicated the notion of it all (while knowing what WOULD possibly come to the surface), I enjoyed it nonetheless. It is true that I love discussing theology and the bible, but time was a luxury that we didn’t have that weekend, nor did I see that it plausible to attempt a try and make the time…so, discussions of the sort were cut extremely short.

I do think these things are able to be discussed, and in a friendly way, but it is best when time allows…You don’t want to rush into things as important as worldviews and friendship…

We got ready to go out again that night for another birthday outing. This time, it was a Mexican restaurant.

Picture this: A little restaurant full of frenzy…A lady singer in a Santa inspired red leotard, salsa dancing, and of course, Mexican food…pretty fun atmosphere and also heavenly, I will just say.

Met some other friends of Ara’s there: owners of the restaurant, the singer, and a former Univision television PR friend Janie, and her husband…We had more birthday cake…two more in fact. She had lots of friends that loved her, that’s for sure, to have gotten her so many cakes.

continued....

Remembering Miami

2011-12-20T17:44:00.000-08:00

I had been talking to this friend Araceli on Facebook for half a year or so, and as we had become good friends there, I decided I’d go down to Miami Christmastime 2010 to visit her during her birthday weekend.

She had been posting online about all the exciting and fun happenings of that coming weekend, including many nights out and a pro life event that Sunday for Rosario por la Vida (a Pro Life Catholic organization), and I was both curious and anxious to get away for an adventure. I thought I could pack the entire time in full purpose: meeting her, having a couple of experiences of a lifetime, and seeing Miami.

Crazy, right? Yeah, a little….since I had never been to Miami, nor met this person in person.

But, strange as it was, I felt extremely calm about the situation; having an inner conviction that God had orchestrated it somehow, as I’d had just enough money for the trip, even though it was an unplanned event.

*this happened again, where I had just enough to make a trip to Los Angeles this past summer, and met some beautiful people, able to tour also some great organizations there, but that’s another blog post. ;)

When I arrived, I waited anticipatingly on the platform, going from only the mental picture of what she looked like in her Facebook albums. When I saw the car drive up to the curb, no lie, she looked EXACTLY like her pictures…her smile, already familiar.

Immediately, there was a warm friendly welcome and she and I chatted the entire trip to her house like seasoned friends. I realized only halfway through our talks that her son Joshua was in the back seat, he had been so respectfully quiet...

He warmed up and opened up to me when we got back to the house, by showing me his favorite movie: "Lord of the Rings". He played his favorite part over and over for me. So cute...he's going to be a lady killer.

Ara’s home was a marina, with a nice stucco patio and small pool. Inside, there was a movie theater room which I wished I had taken the time to indulge in…that would have been a cool experience.

I was unawares that there were also two others staying the weekend as well (apparently the custom in her home; being the friendly warm second home to many passer-throughs and friends). That was fine by me, although slightly unexpected, but added just a bit more spice to my stay.

One of the friend’s was a beautiful and graceful former model from Columbia named Amada Rosa Perez, who is post- abortive but now devotes her time and life to living a pure chaste life and being a spokeswoman for life against abortion. The other was a photographer named David (who arrived the next day), whose primary photographic works focuses on a Marian theme capturing the images of Mary, the mother of Jesus, around the globe.

We had some good talks about Mary, his passion, and photography pieces he brought. Out of respect and since I also admired it, he offered me a print of Jesus on a cross he had taken. It was an amazing print he was just going to gift me…I have yet to take him up on that, but I intend to.

I admired Amada Rosa devotion to her prayers. She would read from a prayer book in mornings (and I assumed nights too). I don’t know much about what sect of Catholicism she practiced, but she wore a veil over her head in mass and while she prayed. She really looked like a bride all in white with a veil. I guess that is the point, purity speaking, to be presented as pure with a look of humility also. It was really elegant and regal as well, and of course she was very beautiful. Is it blasphemous to say that she looked almost Marian-like…Well, she did.

She showed us clips of her former soap opera and modeling career, very different slice of life from the person she is now. She explained to us that she only models from the neck up, her wrists and hands (mostly endorsing Catholic jewelry), as her body is now a temple of the Lord. I really respect and admire that decision, as it gives her purpose and also uses her beauty both rightly and respectfully.

Somewhere in the fray, I met the beautiful stylish l’Ivette Delgado.

Ivette was a power house of words, movement, and shimmering black hair from the get-go. We clicked right away, as I imagine most people do with her. I can’t imagine anyone NOT liking her, but, there are also some that have said the same about me, and it is a fact that I am also listed on some people’s “NO” list. Not everyone can or does like me/us. Not everyone will, but those that count, do, I guess.

Well, no, come to think of it, I guess it was the cake that did "sealed the deal". She and Joshua, had planned to bring a cake home for Ara. And, it felt like I was immediately immersed in this family by the placement of a traditional Mexican icing mark on the nose. We all looked like Rudolph the red nose reindeer, only we had white noses.

Yep, it all was going so fast…I really had NO TIME to think about all the happenings…but just to roll and enjoy it while there and while it lasted.

We got all dressed up and went to mass that first night (and my first time). Ivette sat at my side and kept me abreast on all the happenings, as everything was in Spanish, and was new and different from my norm. We were giggling, chatting like two schoolgirls, sharing a jacket at intervals because the church was so cold. And, every now and then, I would find these little sequins from my shirt on the floor, on the bench, on the jacket. *They even were all around the house later…didn’t know that my shirt would de-sequin and leave all these little reminders like that behind.

After mass, we met up with some other friends of my host: the handsome, friendly, funny Hispanic Television host Rodolfo Jemenez and his then girlfriend, professional international model Nikki Dubose. *Had I known that that short visit would make these friends some lifelong pals? No, not a clue…but. it. did.

After church, there was some food (two tables, two lines), but I didn’t get any because they ran out of it by the time we actually went up to go get some (everyone I was with, was too busy mingling, which is fine…but, I was admittedly a little put off because I was so hungry. You don’t like me when I’m hungry…just kidding.

And, as I mentioned by the time we went to the food tables, they had run out…I knew I wasn’t going to die, that night, but had to wait a just a little longer than I wished, for sustenance.

And, people flocked to the beautiful couple…
Oh, the middle aged women there were just gushing over Rodolfo…I hadn’t known yet, that he was a celebrity, but then I was like: ‘yeah, ok…he must be one’, because, even as I don’t know what the women were saying to him (as I was a few feet away), I could tell plenty enough from their body language that he was some kind of “big deal”.

Uh-huh…You know that certain way that people are with celebrities…a lot of silly fawning and gawking goin’ on…

So, we headed back to the house.

There were all these restaurants along the streets from Cuban, Columbian, Puerto Rican, and Mexican…So great, I would have loved to do a taste test at each of them.

I was just enjoying the ride and then there was this car on fire in the middle of the road. We just stopped both our cars and freaked out yelling: “Did you see THAT”? Wow! We were just assuming it was a gang thing…Apparently the gang world is on fire in Miami (pun intended).

To start the party, we had authentic real deal no-foolin’ Mexican tequila shots to start off the birthday festivities.

Haha Yeah, haha…um, and I don’t drink but a glass of wine every two weeks or so. So, of course I was given the LARGEST shot glass out of everyone… *that Rodolfo duped me with his ‘just a little one, come on’.

I complained to him saying: “How come I get the largest glass???”

His answer: “It’s not the largest, no it’s little, trust me?” *when people say “trust me” that’s when you know you shouldn’t “trust them”, just FYI.

Yeah right, a little one (hmmmm…sure, give the innocent purist the largest gulp of tequila you can pour, we all know you want a show…)…

Whew boy, an felt it go down like fire in da hole, man…for real, I did!!!

But no, I was not drunk (never have been), nor do I condone drinking. And, like I said above, I rarely drink. But, I’ll be honest and say that I am glad that I stopped after that one shot…that Mexican stuff is no joke, folks...not gonna lie.

And, I DO NOT drink beer. Hate the taste (also beer guts), but if someone drank imported beer and not the BUDS, well then, maybe I wouldn’t mind it/them so much. It is the hick image, I think, that comes with American beer that I don’t like...and the smell, and the taste. Oh, I already said that…

Anyways, I have an occasional glass o’ wine now and then, just for a taste of luxurious calm and living.

Oooo and Love, Love, love le champagne…

(Getting way off topic) First had such in high school, when I went to the Marine House in Mad. celebrating some American Holiday or other, and it was fab.
Oh, those were days…haha (golden blonde tall skinny 16 or 17 year old and well- bodied lonely Marines COULD have been a recipe for disaster...Thanks God for protecting me, from myself and them!!).

continued....

2011-12-07T13:21:00.000-08:00

If you value life at conception to death, then you should respect all life from conception to death. Remembering then, that each person who does not think as you is also a child of God, valuable, a treasure, and loved by the Creator of us all.

The Best Day -- So Thankful.

2011-11-21T14:35:00.000-08:00

It started with a morning trip just across the Mississippi in Illinois, to my mom’s home church. It is just about a 20 minute drive and so I stopped by the gas station to get some gas and a donut, before heading that way.

This day was special, as the Maasai from Tanzania were in town on their En-cata tour (Pamoja Ministries) to give their testimonies and sing. Equally as special, was seeing my sister Kim once again since having only four days in which her and her husband had stopped thorough mid-October.

It was perfect weather, about 70 degrees with a beautiful clear blue sky and sun. Got to the church and found a seat in the back row of the sanctuary next to the youngest sister, Heather, and the elaborately dressed Maasai.

'It is so interesting that their dress is so festive and colorful, while ours seems terribly drab and dull by comparison. And, I’ve often thought an African smile always seemed as if they too, are so much more brighter than ours.'

When they got up to speak and sing I was overcome.

Heather, sitting there beside me, was even more visibly so.

She started crying, saying: “I just can’t take it”.

Africa is THAT deep in us, truthfully.

They performed the Maasai jumps while they sang, and the silver coins attached to their clothing added percussion to their voices. It was a beautiful sound.

One of their songs was about Father Abraham, another about AIDS…the perfect range and depiction of the heart-life of faith and daily struggle of the Maasai Christian.

The testimonies were equally impressive.

A woman in the choir had been beaten by one of the male singers.

While being a Maasai Warrior he had hated the Maasai Christians and beat them to see what their God would do to him. He told her: “Tell your mother to see that your God didn’t stop me from beating you. Ask her: What is he going to do to me?” Her mother told him: “Do not tempt God.” She then said: “You will eat dirt for THREE months”.

He said that she was crazy, and did not believe her. Soon after he got back home, however, he became so crazy that they had to bind his hands and legs. And for three months he ate dirt, just like she said he would. He then cried out to God to help him and he was immediately cured. Now, he lives for Christ.

There was no sermon that day (I believe that testimony served as sermon enough), as the format was for a special Sunday of prayers for countries all over the world and the persecuted Christians in those countries. It was a welcomed surprise and I really enjoyed it, as I love intentional meditation/prayer.

We came out to the vending table and I told the Maasai that I was “Kim’s sister” Mimi ni dada wa Kim.
(Kim lives in Tanzania with her husband, as they work for Pamoja Ministries and travel with the Maasai singers on their tour of U.S and Canada raising funds to build schools in Maasailand)

They said: “Oh, that is so gooood. You look like her sista.”

We went to our friends home (where they and my sis and husband were staying) to eat a big meal together. It felt like Thanksgiving, only we had roast beef instead of turkey, potatoes, green beans, bread…It was wonderful.

Afterwards, the youngest Maasai named Mathayo, was playing Jenga (which happens to mean “building” in Swahili), then another game at the table and I got a picture with him. *insert picture*

He also got to borrow a neighbor’s bike and ride for a bit. He was super happy. *insert photos*

I was asked if I was the oldest. I said yes, two years older than Kim.
Do I have any children? No.

Do you have a husband?

No, no one is seeing me.

Then, that Maasai Warrior asking me all those questions wanted me to give him my hands. "Give me your hands, sista"...Um, okay???
He then put them between his and started praying in Swahili...

I asked him what he prayed.

“I pray that God will bless you, and give you all your needs, sista” he said.

Have you ever been prayed over by a saved Maasai Warrior whose killed lions before?

No…yeah, I didn’t think so.

I think that is just about as cool as it can get.

We just had a peaceful afternoon to hang out with my sister, who my other sis and I don’t see very often. Their first stint away in Tanzania was two years, and this next one, come January, will be three. That’s a long time to be away from family. I guess a picture of what our own families went through when we were off in Madagascar for the two to three year stints as a missionary family.

There were always so many goodbyes to make and that evening was no exception. My mother had to say her “goodbye” earlier than the rest, since she had to work that evening. The choir had another performance that night in St. Louis, but more than that, she just wanted and wished for more time to be with family.

She had red eyes from a few tears…understandable, as her daughter was going to be away from her again for a long while.

That night, we were at an international church in South City, slightly a different atmosphere than the one in the morning. In attendance were many of Eritrean descent and at least two from Kenya who spoke Swahili (and spoke to the Maasai afterward).

They had a longer program with more songs…My sisters and I goofed around and held each other during, as we knew to take in all the time we could.

They had pizza for us in the basement, and some of the Maasai played foosball with the rest of the Eritrean kids (In hindset, I now regret not getting a picture of that).

As they put all of their things in their car, we hugged my sis and her husband, and the Maasai that prayed for me came back out of the car and hugged me too.

Then, as I rushed away towards my car, and they driving away, all together shouted out the windows:
“Bye Bye, Jennifer!!!”

Oh my Gosh, teary eyed...

‘Really God? Really??’

It was just the BEST end to the best day.

I felt so very very blessed by it, like a serious kiss from my Father, and I’m so very very thankful for that beautiful day.

*this is not finished, I will insert pics of the day.

2011-11-21T14:27:00.000-08:00

When we forget what love is, we forget what love isn’t also.

2011-11-21T14:25:00.000-08:00

The fear of love’s cologne is like never smelling the scent of true love.

2011-11-21T14:24:00.001-08:00

Is there anything else that can be done for repairing a heart in despair?

2011-11-21T14:14:00.001-08:00

Sometimes you wake up in the dead of night because you have a dream, or because your dream isn’t with you.

Taken

2011-11-21T14:13:00.000-08:00

Really can’t see why,
the clouds are so blue,
the waves too, your eyes.

It’s like a trick.
Quick, swift;
cutting me in two.

I stand amazed at the entire beauty of you.

2011-11-21T14:09:00.001-08:00

Irresponsible Me

I’m not practical.
I probably never will be.
I am not lazy, crazy, unrealistic, insane, a wack job, mentally unstable, unsuitable, fanatical, frenzied, political, aloof.
What I am is insecure, afraid, dreamer, passionate, risk taker, encourager, ¬¬¬¬¬¬challenger>
I truly just should have said: “No”. But I could see that he didn’t, wasn’t translating in his head, about what the vision is or where it is going to or headed towards.

*sigh* I thought this bloke “got me”. I am disappointed when I feel interrogated and not chatted to. He didn’t make me feel comfortable even though I was already wound up when I got there. Poking questions just got me off track and on the defensive. I don’t like to feel pushed up against a wall.

That’s what it felt like, but I apologized and said it isn’t him at all, only my reaction to the situation. Losing that job possibility, that opportunity, and not seeing my sister again for another three years.
Lord, I don’t know what to do…

And giving advice on things when you DO NOT know what is going on. That was not his place, for sure. He overstepped on that one.

The Insult

2011-11-21T13:37:00.000-08:00

Listen, do you not hear?
No, you’re too busy;
thinking and talking,
inside your head.

Instead, know who I am,
Before you jump
forward to schemes
of grandeur & endorsements.

Listen, I am here.
No, not forever;
as time may quicken
me to another hull.

So, stay your slander,
For there is more
you might have uncovered,
if you had chosen to wait the pace.

Listen, soldier.
You quickly waist time,
when you don’t try.

When you won’t let me frown,
nor wonderment play.

Cyclone (part 6)

2011-08-23T16:13:00.000-07:00

We had all survived, the Hotel did not. The place was utter chaos and ruin. Everything tossed and disheveled and/or leveled. But, the small blue suitcase of ours was still where mom had left it. After much determination and tenacity she had held onto it as long as she could, but let go when she realized she couldn’t hold it and us as well. Then, Kim had disappeared, and so it was a loss she had been willing to take, for the sake of finding her daughter, as well as helping the rest of us reach safety; this the forefront of her mind.

The suitcase lay gently snuggled up to the fence, as if it was literally waiting for us to come back for it: ‘I’ve been here all night, where have you been?’

Dents in cars, half buildings crumbled, like cookie monster came through and bit off chunks off rooftops and siding. The Karon’s home, as well, was completely leveled to the ground. All that fancy china; gone.

Our house we had hunted had to be given to the landlords extended family, because their home had received the same cookie monster treatment. It was a sign I took that day as “This place is not going to be your HOME”.

How could paradise become so wiped and whirled into a melting pot of devastation, and so quickly? But, lest anyone forgets, this is Africa…and you take things day by day, no matter what.

Although some places bounce back on their own timetable, it wasn’t too long that this coastal town whiped itself back into shape. Another missionary family came in soon after, scouted the place and moved there, much to my discontent…but such is the way of the missionary, storms passed and life went on.

Oh, and as for Mr. Mysterious, he donned his motorcycle helmet and rode the storm out in his bungalow…Crazy! Fierce!

It is estimated that 90% of the town was destroyed, 100 trees down… and at least 30 blocked the main roads. Many homeless, 30 known dead, many missing, fractured arms, legs…No drinkable water or electricity, no bread or rice.

The Karon’s fed us until Thurs. and we stayed with a Christian Malagasy family, whose home wasn’t touched. Monsieur Karon GAVE us a basket a day full of cokes, fantas, etc…so we wouldn’t go thirsty. We finally got a plane ride out on Sat. afternoon. What was supposed to be a week long trip turned into two, but we are praising God for His protection and faithful care.

Amen.

*Chez Karon, Hotel de la Plage today ;)
http://www.hotels-restaurants-madagascar.com/annuaire-des-hotels/hotel-plage-majunga.html

Cyclone (part 5)

2011-08-23T16:06:00.000-07:00
We were sandy, wet, and cold but, more so, shaken by it all. They had big towels for the women and children to dry off with, but we had to strip down. I was embarrassed to do so, even as no one could see me for the towel that draped my whole frame. My dad froze his butt off however, he was going comando in his wet jeans…I can only imagine the uncomfortable clinginess of them.

Mom wrote: We got all the girls stripped down and wrapped in blankets. I told put on a robe that Madame Karon offered me and a wool blanket. So, I was warm except for my feet, but Clint, in those wet jeans, was cold all night. After we got the girls settled, I went over to kiss them, and Jenny was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she sobbed “I lost Kim and Heather’s hats outside-they blew away”. I told her I could buy them new ones at the market and she said,”But Heather adored THAT hat!”. Hmmm yeah, I was cute.

The men were sitting having some whiskey (to warm up..yes, my father took some), chatting away, and we really thought we were safe, even though considering the pounding of the storm against the restaurant roof and its steel structure. We were all talking in groups, drying off, when after half an hour, part of the roof of the restaurant began to peel back as if someone BIG was finally opening the can of sardines.

It flew away as well, and the storm entered the dwelling, fisting through it all and throwing us all into commotion. We had to act and think quickly of what/where we would go to next. The men decided to take us to the cars for shelter this time, because, frankly, there were no other options to pick from.

One canvas covered jeep, and one cabin of a truck, was all we had to weather this storm. Crazy!

So, the pregnant sister of Mr. Karon, two of the smaller kids, and my 3 year old sister Heather went into the cabin of a truck. It was thought to be that would be the safest. It did separate my mother and her 3 year old though. She apparently was crying so hard, she was so afraid. Mom was torn and afraid for her. She said that she asked Mr. Karon to check up on her…and she was fast asleep.

While the rest of us, 8 in total, huddled together, into the small canvas covered Jeep. I am going to say it again: CANVAS. JEEP.

My Dad was thinking: ‘What do I do with my family, if the canvas gives way?’

It swayed, it rocked ALL NIGHT. But we sang songs and my mom prayed, as palm trees and destruction consumed the outside world all around us. She prayed that there would be “a calm and that she knows people are praying for us”..and it was IMMEDIATELY calm.

We actually WERE quite safe in that canvas Jeep.

I believe that the swaying and the feeling of calm became peaceful enough to me to help rock me to sleep. I say this because, somehow, I remembered waking up, after having my hair pulled by one of the boys…(Apparently my long hair was hanging through an opening of the Jeep tarp). But, anyways, I slept through the storm...wow.

Cyclone (part 4)

2011-08-23T16:03:00.000-07:00
Our bungalow was creaking and swaying too, as if to say: ‘I really won’t hold my shape for much longer’. The lights went out, and the bathroom ceiling peeled off. My bed and Heather’s had dripping so we went into my parent’s bed.

According to mom’s letter it was 2am.

My dad gathered the duffle bag, and shirtless in jeans but barefoot he proceeded to leave the bungalow anyway (Mom had packed our bags as a precaution). My Mom took Heather on one hip, Kim on other, held onto the suitcase, and I held her waist/skirt. We were all in our pajamas… this was no time to change or fuss, nor care of modesty, this was: time to get safe.

Just as we were leaving, the roof completely tore off our cabin, and flew away in the night sky. We proceeded out the doorway, into the unknown, literally.

Dad had followed Mr. Karon, handling the duffle over his back shoulders, attacked heavily by the merciless wind and sand against his bare chest and back. Having to dodge falling trees, he made it safely to the restaurant, but lost us in the process.

It wasn’t that hard to do, since we my mom and three girls in tow were going to be slower. And you couldn’t hear one another, you couldn’t see…You couldn’t see your hand in front of your face, it was that black. All you felt was a push of the violent wind against your body, and hear palm trees drop around and near you. You had no clue if you were heading anywhere, much less to safety.

The four of us, huddled and screamed at each other to “Hold on”, “I am”, “Where’s your dad?”, “I don’t know?”, and “He’s gone…”…

We managed to scale onto the side of the small white picket fence that marked the edge of the property…we kept stepping closer alongside it, to what we knew was the direction of the restaurant.

Meanwhile, we were just feeling the force of the wind, the dark, the sounds, but we were still relatively “OK”. Then, all of the sudden, I felt Kim slip away. At this time, she was holding onto me and mom, both. I couldn’t feel her anymore and swatted the air to feel for her, but felt nothing. I screamed, “Mom, where’s Kim?” She didn’t know, we were all crying in the fray of it all. We were so scared.
We kept pressing on though, hoping Kim was ok.

Kim, it turns out, ran straight towards a light she saw in the window of the restaurant. She ended up being brought inside by my dad through that window. Crazy girl! I mean, palm trees were dropping like flies, the world was being thrown and tossed about, and she, just gung ho’s it to the nearest light she sees. Crazy!

I don’t remember reaching the building. I honestly don’t. All I remember, is that we arrived not too long after being at that fence. It was almost as if we were transported there, soon after we had lost Kim, but, truthfully what really happened was that Mr. Karon had come back for us and took us straight there. It happened really fast, is what I remember.

Cyclone (part 3)

2011-08-23T15:56:00.000-07:00
There was only one other customer at the Hotel the same time as we were. He was a mysterious five o’clock shadowy character, a motorcycle guy…Yep, just him and his motorcycle, staying in a bungalow by the beach.

I always had a good imagination, but I couldn’t pin point this guys deal; this “cool” dude. All I remember is that to me, he was like a nomad, a rebel of some sort. Usually, I would have been attracted to that, but at this age, I was just only semi intrigued...

He was either Scandinavian, or German, or something or other…but that doesn’t matter one bit. He was a dark character that hardly spoke…Maybe he was famous?? Maybe he was a writer? A journalist on vacation? Maybe he was a con artist? Or marine biologist, or a thief…who knows? Who cares? He was edgy, period.

I don’t remember being close enough to actually hear him speak, I’d just imagine he was foreign. His bungalow was way way down the beach though, aways away from the main building…I do remember that.

The food there was delish. Seafood was plentiful and quite affordable for us, so we had plenty of it the entire trip. I didn’t particularly like seafood at the time, so I opted for what I did like, shrimp. My parents, of course, enjoyed all the lobster and fish to their stomachs delight. The Karons gave us breakfast every morning: bread, jelly, and coffee…when the restaurant wasn’t open they fed us at their expense, just to talk “American”.

Fresh French bread and rolls for breakfast, from a bakery downtown...Heaven, I say. Enough said.

These are the things I remember, the smell of the salt air, the heat, rustic surroundings, crystal blue waters, beautiful white waves and sands, Palm trees, furniture, china, boys, and food.

No one can say that I am not a romantic at heart, even at my 9 years of age. I was enthralled by this place, and made sure I would be aware of this piece of time; the intricate details of this owned paradise for a moment. It was magical, mystical, fantastical, fascinating…and it was mine.

So frighteningly magical, that while we slept, a storm was brewing.

The wind howled a little, not sending us into any frenzy yet, mind you, and so habitually we got ready for bed. When suddenly, there was a banging at our door, one that shook us to the core. “Wake Up!”, it said.

It was Mr. Karon in a black rain poncho and kerosene lantern, yelling (through the deafening noise of the mounting storm) at my dad in French, to gather us all and follow him to the restaurant for safety. It was a cyclone.

I didn’t know what a cyclone was, but I could just tell that there was something crazy going on. The wind was throwing the door back and forth, as he was instructing us to leave, and I could see that he was drenched and struggling from the force of the sand and wind. Behind him, the night had darkened further from the storm rolling in, not even the moon shone through. It was now so pitch black you could not see a thing.

Cyclone (part2)

2011-08-23T15:52:00.000-07:00
My Dad had checked out the place first, and then brought us to see it, because he said it was “Perfect”.

It had a surrounding balcony...Aaaahhhhh. I loved it. And, it would have been ours…But, who would have thought what would happen on this scouting visit?...we could’ve never have anticipated.

We never cared about the weather, while in Africa. Everything runs on a laisez-faire manner and time table, and it isn’t like how we are here, glued to the TV set to know about impending bad weather. The only TV viewing happened at night, and it didn’t really account too much, so, we weren’t really warned nor had any foreknowledge of anything dangerous heading our way.

This after all is Africa (in the mid80’s); you take it one day at a time and we hardly ever knew what was going on in the outside world, let alone in the country we resided in.

Our bungalow at the hotel was not too far off from the main building, the hotel restaurant, nor too far from the beach either. It was the most perfect location. The Hotel was called Hotel de la Plage (meaning Hotel of the Beach), and its main building, housed both the restaurant and check in.

This particular building was like a very large oversized box- shaped can of tuna. Like a vast warehouse, completely made out of sheet metal. The design plan must have been that of a sardine can…I’m not kidding!

This building had a kitchen in the far right back, and a mass amount of tables and chairs strung about facing a surrounding wall of windows looking out towards the beach.

Not too bad for la plage aux box tuna!

The owners home was behind this building (far right), and was a massive bungalow. A dream house, really. Again, something from the movies, as it was not easily believed to be real even while you are actively seeing it in person.

I remembered China cabinets with glass windows inside, filled with precious china and elegant bamboo furniture. The owner was Chinese, a Mr. Karon, and his wife French. They had three sons (of course…I say "of course", because it seems that as fate would have it...the male gender were the sex I ever seem to end up playing with as a blond little girl…which usually led to more flirtations rather than “play”), and their ages were 12, 11, and 5.

There were five of us. Our parents, me at 9 years old, Kim 7, and Heather, the youngest, was 3. We had brought one duffle bag and one small suitcase with us on the trip from Antananarivo, the capital city.

We fit into that one hotel bungalow, quite comfortably (I thought), having two double beds, a twin, and mosquito nets for each, a shower, sink, and toilet. I thought it was perfect, my mother in her letter said: “You’ve got to be kidding me”, because of its simplistic thatch roof and dated ambiance…I, however, remember it as being heavenly.

The floor, a cold concrete, the rest entirely made of straw…heavenly.

I was already feeling the passion and tropical vibe of the place. I WANTED so much to live there. I couldn’t contain my joy and excitement.

Cyclone

2011-08-23T15:33:00.001-07:00
We were living in Madagascar for a year already, my parents were studying the language, two of us older girls were in French school, while the youngest still played at home.

Upon our first year there, we were about due for a vacation, so we took a week-long trip up to the coastal town of Mahajunga. Now, being as we are missionaries, this was part vacation, part work, and part looking for a place for us all to live, as it was meant to become our place of residence for the next few years, as well as our ‘beach getaway’.

While I have remembered the details of the trip quite vividly, I asked my mother if she could fill in same details, such as names of people, specifics of the hotel we stayed at, her side, etc…It just so happened that our grandparents kept ALL of our letters my mother wrote them and she had all the copies, including the one detailing in depth about this very vacation!!

Wow, I was so so happy to get my hands on it…I can’t even tell you!!!!!

So, let’s get back to it…

Ok, Well, According to mom the weather was in the 100’s “like a blast furnace” when we got off the plane. We toured the French school (a bunch of single flimsy bungalows) and my parents even got the necessary papers to enroll us, took a look at the church (where everyone sat on the floor, while we sat higher above them, as is customary for “vahiny/vazaha” (guest/foreigner, usually white decent), on a wooden plank raised by two cement blocks), everyone “made a fuss over the girls”(mom said), and my dad preached a sermon in Malagasy…
So, as you can tell no vacation of missionary family was really all “vacation”. But, we still burned just like regular tourists…

We stayed at an oceanside bungalow hotel.

Such a place of beauty this was. Palm trees and bungalows as far as the eye could see up the coastline. There was only one downtown street buzzing with old beaten up Renaults and pousse pousse carts (rickshaws). ‘Feels like something similar to a scene in “Casablanca”,’ I remembered thinking.

This was soon to be home, and I loved the idea that my house would be one where geckos would slick in through the upper air holes and ocean air would blow through. This was what our house was like, literally.

How it happened: We went for ice cream at an Indian restaurant and mentioned our purpose at being there. This Indian “Big wig” guy pointed to a place across the street to a place available to rent, his rental…a sprawl of a place located right there above a store on main street.

*This man was a Muslim, a widower who lived one floor below this one, with his mother. He spoke 8 languages and we really liked him. He liked us so much as well, that he wanted to invite us to dinner, which we accepted…along with an Italian friend of his that was visiting at the time. A Muslim, a Catholic, and Baptists..WOW!

One Saturday.

2011-08-06T21:33:00.000-07:00

One Saturday, as I frequently do, I went to the Missouri Botanical Gardens for some “Solitude”.

Reading “Way of the Heart” by Henri Nouwen, calmly and quietly, in their café, when all the sudden this WOMAN who works there, started talking REAL LOUD to a customer (it was her regular voice btw), and just went on and on about:
“OH, You’re looking for KEMPER???? OH, that is just so EASY!! You take this path and yeah, yeah, its SOO EASY. Once you know, it is just so EASY to get there”.

Seriously, Lady??? Seriously!
I was looking for coffee, coffee cake, alone time…and Quiet!!

You know, SOLITUDE!?!

So, I tried to sit outside near the fountain of their outside patio, to escape miss loudy mouth.
Well, that would have been perfect for the chill in the air.

I just couldn’t handle it, so I went back inside.
This time, I picked a spot in the far end of the restaurant ; a comfier corner spot away far from the server, people, and noise.

Two gentle ladies of a certain age and quiet disposition, sat down at the table next to mine.
I continued on with my studies and then I overheard one of them say:
“ I just lost my hearing aid at the Bread Co. I asked if anyone saw it….”

I looked straight up at the ceiling, as if to telepathically send a message straight to the heavens:
“Come on now, can you please give me a break?? I just wanted a quiet day and now you let me hear THIS? and now you want me to help her?”

“Nope", and "Yep” came the response.

FINE!

I wrote down my boss’s info (at the time), on a piece of paper (as it so happens he is a hearing aid specialist).
I picked my moment and said: “Ladies, unfortunately, I have excellent hearing, and overheard what you said about your lost hearing aid…”. I proceeded to tell her about my work and how my boss could help her hearing problems, in getting her fitted for a new aid.

She then asks me about the Red Cross, since I was wearing one of their shirts I got while doing the telethon for Joplin, MO. She said that she had wished to donate but couldn’t get through that night, so I flipped the paper over with my bosses info and wrote down the info for the Red Cross donation site.

“Let’s see” she said jokingly, “what else do I need help with??”

We all had a good chuckle at that, and I told them: “Yeah, I probably CAN help you!!!”

I told them my church had been contacted through the Red Cross and by the television station, at short notice, to do the telethon. I had never done one before, I told them, and was a little nervous at first, but got the hang of it rather quickly.

“Oh, what church do you go to?” one asked.
“The Journey, a non-denominational church….”

“That church has served you well, I can tell:” said the other.
*I don’t remember their names, so I will call her Martha; the other, Mary.

“Yes”, I responded “it HAS been good to me”.

“Well, we are both sisters (Catholic)” Mary said.
“Oh, I have many friends that are Catholic…” I replied.

“You are very open, friendly, and accepting,” said Martha.

“Yes, oh thank you. I learned this from my Father. He (well both my parents), were missionaries to Africa, and he worked with many different types of people and faiths. I just watched him, and listened a lot.”

“Where were you on missions?” asked Martha.
“We were in Madagascar”, I said.

Mary perked up and said: “Oh, one of our orders is from Madagascar!! She is of Asian descent, but she is from there!!”
“Was she born there?”
Yes, she had been…

'Okay, Wild' I thought.

I told them that I had lived there for 10 years. They asked where I went for college.
I said: “Alabama”.

Martha grinning from ear to ear, excitedly goes: “Oh, so you’re a Southern Belle???”

“Well, I consider myself one, yes. I left a town bordering Arkansas in Southern Missouri, at age 5. So, from that, I still have a love of southern small town America.” I replied.

"Did you go to school in Africa, then?

“Yes, I went to French school my grade school years...”

Mary interrupted me, and STARTED speaking French!!
It totally took me back a little. She said that their sister order was in Paris, France.

"I loved France," I told them "I also visited there, on a trip back home to the states".
'Wow, wow..crazy stuff this!?!' I thought.

I told them my age because they thought I was still in college. They were surprised and had me totally pegged a whole 14 years younger than I was...
“Sadly, no” I said, “ and I don’t have a family either, as I wish at this age. But, God knows that too. Still, I do get flustered and frustrated about that…as well as what he wants me to do with my life.”

“Well, we just KNOW God is going to use you in a great way. I can tell. You just glow.” said Martha, as Mary nodded in agreement.
“You have a vocation in front of you, I’m certain of it,” she said.

“Oh, thank you both” I said, as I hugged them.
They both said a “God Bless” over to me as they proceeded to leave the café.

Thank you, ladies. I’ll remember than one Saturday in late June. Wherever you are, thank you angels…and thank you God.

I do feel so blessed.
And, I do know God has that vocation out there for me, sometime, someway...one other day.

And as for "Solitude", I did eventually find her on the patio later, as the sun had warmed up the day a little.

It was gentle breeze, nice.

So nice in fact, I ordered a burger and fries.
Ah, this is living....

My Response: Prayer for our Nation.

2011-08-06T10:12:00.000-07:00
Lord, I pray for many hearts to feel you near today, as we unite in prayer to God for our country; salvation of its people from sin.

We pray the Holy Spirit fills the space, guiding the words of the speakers to empower hearts of those there that need to hear your voice.

Lord, rescue those from sins & betrayals to your name; to their bodies, to their souls. Bring them to repentance& to the feet of you.

Lord, help us to examine our hearts and trust your loving discipline and correction.

Forgive us, when we have failed to repent and follow your ways. Help us to turn our backs on the enemy and his voice of fear.

Lord, let us not neglect why we do for the Kingdom; that we remember it is because of what you've done for us.

Lord, let us not put up walls with our neighbor, but love as you have loved us. Let us stand as one under your authority alone.

When we worship money, and prestige, and our own glory... we are not honoring the commandment to not have any other gods before you.

When we sit and focus our minds on any other deity, man-made or other, we are not having our minds transfixed upon you, the Holy One.

Help us, Oh Lord, to only call out to you with our prayers of need and anguish. You have said you will hear them when we call out your name.

Help our country turn back to honor you with Praise & Worship. Let us reap what we sow, being good stewards; turning our country over to you.

Lets us repent of our Greed as a nation.

Lord Jesus, many feel hopeless and are living in fear, remind them that they are not abandoned. You are near to the restless & the burdened.

Let nothing satisfy us as a people than to be free to glorify your name & sing your praise. You are our sovereign Lord, provider, savior, King.

In Jesus name, Amen.

http://theresponseusa.com/

2011-07-31T23:08:00.000-07:00

No matter how much you bow or strive to accomplish, it'll never come close to the finished work of our Lord on your behalf at the cross.
Being one part of the trinity, God's atonement, our one & only sacrifice for sin; upon his death,
Jesus said: 'Tetelestai! It is Finished!''

2011-07-27T20:52:00.000-07:00

We don't need things, we need Christ.
When he is our everything, we'll need for nothing, because he promises us peace, joy, & love eternal.

2011-07-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

"Be confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on unto completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
~Philippians 1:6

2011-07-27T20:30:00.000-07:00

Examine yourself to see if you are always doing God's will and not your own. (Psalm 139)

2011-07-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

You're rare and beautiful...and loved.

2011-07-27T20:12:00.000-07:00

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD. Psalms 31:24

2011-07-27T20:10:00.000-07:00

Using this verse as my motto to get through this job search and trial of not having any income, and an uncertain future...and for all the as-yet-to-be-determined opportunities and possibilities lying therein:

The Lord says, 'I will INSTRUCT you and TEACH you in the way you should go; I will COUNSEL you and WATCH over you'. Psalm 32:8

2011-07-27T20:06:00.000-07:00

War is risky business. Love is risky business...Both are necessary.

2011-07-27T19:15:00.001-07:00

If we are soldiers for Christ (who encompasses all that its holy), then we should be on the front lines against all that is evil.

2011-07-27T18:42:00.000-07:00

God is not interested in your press release, or mine -
He's interested in His bottom line: His Kingdom Come.
~sermon notes

2011-07-27T18:40:00.000-07:00

Where happiness is concerned, redemption has to deal with the state of one's soul, rather than the state of one's life.

Romantic Pornography: Sweet Lies of the Chick Flicks.

2011-07-23T09:17:00.000-07:00
http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2011/07/22/beware-romantic-pornography/

My response:
Hi, I agree with the article. These chick flicks are very damaging, they are emotional pornography, and they do negatively affect how the women-sex view relationships.

My life as a single Christian woman has been affected by them, as has fantasy done significant damage to my mind and relationships.

They make me fall in love with an idea, is what they do.

The idea is false truth, in that it does provide our female hearts with what we "want", but not necessarily what we need. But, I would explain it as warping of what we crave naturally, into something that is not a truth...we are being fed: Lies.

For sure the roles are tainted in these stories of passion, but mostly the men ARE the strong, silent type a la MR. Darcy (who of course, I am in love with;), and not a feminized view of a man at all. They DO ride in with what glory they have, and speak some soft words, and bring flowers, and do some kind of pursuit, and We...get a rush from it, just like men do with their porn.

I'm not down-playing the theory that men are feminized and scoffed at in culture/media, as roles on both sides of the spectrum have been clouded, redefined, and sometimes demonized...because they have been. period.

But, I did get lost as to why the feminization of men, was the main focus of the article, when I thought it was to explain how the movies/fantasy affects the women who watch these films??

I have had to make it a point to be very aware now, by setting strict boundaries with what I am able to watch, as I am aware of the temptations, fall-out/depression, and/or comparisons to my life state that 99% of the time may occur. Yet, I still see that romance is a piece of life to hope for. Still, movies like “Twilight” that are catering to a younger mindset, are intentional in their target, and you see how effective they are to that demographic.

The relationship between Bella and the vampire, Edward, is one of enticement. The girl is drawn and compelled by love to latch onto him for dear life. And, while the undertone is an abstinence message, the emotional life of the romance is not. They burn with passion and raging hormones, as the audience with them. So, it feeds our desire to see them play out their longings or even withhold them. We women saturate and soak in the lust of wanting Edward.

This is what those films feel like and how they do pornographic damage to our minds. The pictures and ideas go in, and the mind processes them and dwells on them, even if we are conscious of them doing so or not.

So, what I do commend is the wrap up of the article of how Christ is to the Church. It was conveyed well how pure, righteous, and unwavering his love is. He is committed to giving us his whole self, and has done so at the cross. This is exactly the thing our minds should be on. We should be saturated with complete love of the Father before all, and I fail so deeply at this. I just hope I keep my mind away from things that will tempt and descend me away from my first love.

For women/girls I recommend “Passion and Purity” by Elizabeth Elliot. For the boys I recommend “Wild at Heart”.

Really, boys should stay away from culture that takes him away from being strong in the Lord mentally and physically; a bold leader. Having self control over oneself is one of the sexiest traits in the world, because it shows others who’s the boss of you.

Our society has made men insecure.
It shouldn’t be shocking that it does, because this is what the World will do..tear down anything that God said is good.

Our society has made women insecure.
And, women, need to stay away from anything that feeds the sincere longing in their hearts for someone to love them. If we really do look towards God as the sole craving of our souls, we wouldn’t eat so much from the wrong buffet.

Father's Day ode to my Papa.

2011-06-17T10:11:00.000-07:00

My dad taught me how to love people, smile, and give them my energy.
He taught me how to discuss culture and theology, and history, and pay attention to world issues.
He taught me, also, to love movies like
Casablanca, The Searchers, Gone with the Wind, and The Marx Brothers.
He taught me that, and so much more.
I love you, Dad!
Happy Father's Day.

2011-05-19T10:53:00.000-07:00

I ask for the best, and You never disappoint; holding true to your Word, You give me You...
Thank you Lord, for giving me Your son.

2011-05-06T09:49:00.000-07:00

It is Mother's Day this weekend, so I posted this picture here to honor her. She is such a beautiful special compassionate woman, full of faith, love,and joy.
I love her and the influence that she has brought out in me over the years (especially the recent ones). She is my confidant, prayer warrior, and book suggester/giver; a true lover and example of God's word. Love you so much, Mom.

God continues to do great things.

2011-04-18T16:51:00.000-07:00

In 2009 I was invited to a pregnancy center fundraising dinner by a friend. I was clueless at what and how the evening would transpire or entail, but I went anyway. What happened there sparked something in me. Like God was not so gently whispering to me that this was important work and that I should take notice and give some time to understand it.
As time went on, in 2009-2010 I attended yet another dinner, several other fundraising events, one purity pledge event, then found a friend who was passionate about speaking out on human trafficking. I volunteered at all these events, because I wanted to explore the how of these organizations, but also how I've always felt about these issues, but never have participated to raise awareness or serve in them.
But God's timing is best..he knew when to open my eyes to them.
Then another friend started yet another organization geared for teens to retain their foundational faith. I volunteered at his camp last year, and plan to this June as well.
Last fall, I was trained as a Client Advocate with Thrive Pregnancy Center, but haven't been able to practice as I work weekdays...but I knew the training wouldn't be in vain. I know I will use it later.
Since then, things just keep accelerating and moving me.
And in 2010 - now, God continues to open doors, meet new and active passionate people (with same interests, a strong faith in Christ, and hope for others), help me deepen my trust in him, and the importance and value of my purpose as his child. He is showing and unfolding to me that I have a passion and that that passion very much includes him; giving me doses of instruction at the right moments as I can handle them, allowing me to continue to wait, and lean more, on him.
There are so many things happening right now, I really can't even communicate them very well to say if they are big or small even..because, who really can measure a change of a person's life but God. Whenever a certain friend runs into me know, all she says to me is: "You are so BEAUTIFUL!!" As if to say: "I don't know what in the heck is happening, but it is working" ;)
And, I agree with her assessment of my countenance, because three years back, I was not as happy, nor looked it.
All I can say is that he is bringing me into such an extension of the family of God that is such a complete blessing to me; that a few years back, I would have never thought it possible...so I know there is even more "better" yet to come.
This May I will train to be a sidewalk counselor, and have a full summer of volunteering and writing ahead of me...I feel really really blessed.

2011-04-06T13:02:00.000-07:00

Be good to all people. When you do, you are being good to God.
"Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it's in your power to help them." ~Proverbs 3:27
"Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone--especially to those in the family of faith." ~ Galatians 6:10

How to say "NO" and remain Pure (part 3)

2011-03-29T14:31:00.001-07:00
At that particular time (and others), what usually happens in the tempting, it feels like a sort of test of will to see how strong the current needs to be to pull me under.

At this time, I KNEW it was a test.
That same week, I had met with a group who wanted to work on sharing my testimony...
So, it was definitely a: "Hmmmm, really think you can do this??" type of moment, and test.

So, it has been very strong at times, and sometimes I will admit that I have not been successful in overcoming temptations, and therefore succumbed into sin (whether it was in the mind, fantasy, pornography, and masturbation..of which all I intend to divulge here, as my justification to staying "pure").

I have had to learn better at how not to do so, so that the stronger they are, the stronger I am at overcoming them; to not to fall into the trap set for me and sin.

I long for love, acceptance, and comfort also, I am getting more intense and confident in the choice I made, and in relying on God to deliver me in the hard times I face wanting it from another.

I may be without it for this life, yet, I don't believe that I will. Or, should I say, that I am not worried as to my never having to experience it, because, God has my back and knows I wish to experience it in the right way, when I am married.

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."
- Hebrews 10:23
So right now, I can look towards my full acceptance and love, of my comforting Savior...as to where I get my worth (I will explain my road and how I came to understand this later)...
God's promise to me stands, that he will honor faithfulness over worry (and over anxiousness), giving me a kind of freedom of certainty that whatever happens, I can say "NO" how many times and in how many ways that it may take to get the point across of my conviction, and hold my ground in it.

I don't have to say anything else but "NO",
and can be confident, content, and certain that above it all (and what is most important), I am "obeying the Lord".

I step out and obey him in this, through however lonely, tempting, and trying it might get (and however often it does), I am able to run the in the other direction from the temptings or longings, and get to persevere, learn patience, endurance, and self control, and get to learn how to trust the Father to help me through.

I get to solidify my relationship with the Father, and be encouragement to others to walk in this way too. So that they too, along with me, can honor God best with the whole sum of their being, say "NO" confidently, and trust that the Father knows what is best to keep them wholly unto himself.

How to say "NO" and remain Pure (part 2)

2011-03-28T14:34:00.000-07:00
So, now then...How DO you say "No" Well, I will give you a snapshot into a conversation (that mirrors others, but is the best example so far) that I had last year:
A guy (I call him that, because even though he was my age, he was not a man), asked me if I would go out with him.

OH, let me just stop and say, that I was excited, because it had been a very long time that someone has asked. 'Okay, let's see about this one', I thought.
He asked me some more questions (like a mini interview), and I could tell he was excited and wanted to know more about me for sure...

And, it got down to the fact that I was a Christian....He, was not.
'Here we go,' I thought.

He said he could tell that I was "devoted", "serious" and "intense" in my beliefs...He, was right.
"SO, are you like a virgin or something?" he then asked (almost whispering the word as he said it).

I was taken aback a little because no one had ever asked that question to me outright, or ever (it usually comes out of my mouth first).
(I had a sneaky feeling that he wouldn't be back after that...I was wrong, so wrong).

he couldn't contain his disbelief..."wow"

Dumbfounded, he walked away.
He came back shortly, and asked me:"But, you may never experience it then."(I had told him "not until I marry", Thanks dude, for having faith in me, I thought. But, I knew what and where he was going with it all)...
"I know"I responded,"that may happen".
"So, you are just going to never experience this until you die?", he said.
"Yes, I guess so".

He left again, shaking his head. Then came back again. Two hours had past."So, you wouldn't ever reconsider?".

Reconsider?!?- a choice I was clear about, a sacrifice of will, a vow, just so that some someone could have this moment with my body? Even if it did become "something" I would be filling his need mostly, not mine. My need is the need to stay pure, not to be taken away by something,just because "it may never happen".

I was shocked a little at the strength and confidence I had at responding to this request:"No, I wouldn't reconsider", then added quizzingly,"would you for me?"

He didn't hesitate one bit and said:"NO WAY, are you kidding me??? You would be living your life the way you have been living and I (inflection in tone) would have to sacrifice MY life for you?!?!"

'BINGO, BUDDY!' is what I wanted to say, but didn't state the obvious. ;)
So, I just stared straight up at him waiting...

"I can't live without sex. My dad is a sexaholic and I am too." he tried again: "So, you wouldn't?"
"Nope", I said "I guess it just means we're friends then".
"Yeah, I guess so"..(I knew we'd never speak to each other again, let alone be friends). He walked away.

This time, I was pretty sure that that was the last I had seen of him..but nope.
HE COMES BACK and had the NERVE to say this to me:

"Well, if not you, then what about one of your other friends?"

By now, he had friended me on Facebook and knew I knew some pretty lady friends..(and I do)..But this after also telling me specifically that he "knew what he liked", is "picky", "selective", and "liked what he saw". Hmmm, really dude??
His player self, just showed his player self to me though, in that one damning sentence....

Guess I wasn't special enough.

Well, as you might have imagined, my jaw must have hit the floor. It. must. have. I just had to blink, compose myself in that moment, and stare up at him from my desk and said this:

"No, I look out for my friends. Plus, they also have the same standards as I do(meaning that they want to live godly lives also)!!!."

"So, you're saying I am a loser, then?"
"No, I didn't say that ".

"You're saying that, by saying that I am no good for them."

WHAT? DUDE! Come On, now!?!?
(Now, he was trying to guilt me into thinking I was the bad one here. Oh puhlease! Who was it that said: 'If not you, then one of your friends'???)

He followed that by saying:
"You're judging me" while he walked away (this time the last time) just bowing his head in "shame" and shaking it (pour guy).

(You, Christian girl you, all full of condemnation and judgment at me for being a loser/pitiful soul). Ok, maybe I could have called him that. But, I didn't and wouldn't, only, he definitely wasn't "winning" in the way he thinks he was, by living the careless and desperate kind of lifestyle he was living, No way.

His story: was that he had just broken up with a live-in girlfriend of 7 years or more, and was looking for comfort, acceptance, and...love.
I actually felt his despair, even though he masked it very well...

He still wanted to know he was worth it, worthy of love, and...a man.But, there was a stark difference in what we placed
our lives and worth upon.
Bottom line, the question solely isn't whether or not I would "reconsider" (with him or anyone else), since my life is also meant to be
which..he (sadly) wasn't.

OH, and by the way, since I am "at it" a Man of God doesn't ask a woman to "reconsider", just FYI!

So, of course, it was over before it began.
(and was defriended on Facebook..never to be heard from again)

How to Say "NO" and remain Pure.

2011-03-25T17:45:00.000-07:00

How do you say "No" to someone when they are pressuring you to have sex,
expecially when you've made a vow to remain pure by being chaste, a virgin, or are living a life of chastity??

If they want a date with you or a relationship knowing you won't "go there", they usually will go ahead and ask you anyway to: "reconsider"?
What do you do or say then?

Reconsider- yep, that's right, that's what they try and pull to get you back to the darkside.

Well, I can tell you how hard it is to keep your virginity (mind, body, and soul) pure in this day and age from experience, and it is just simply the most counter cultural, daunting, and challenging thing to do. It requires a daily sacrifice of will and surrender to God's command, and prayer for his power to aid you in overcoming the sometimes overwhelming desire to "reconsider".

Most people would cave at the thought that: ' I won't ever be loved if I don't give in', and 'I will never have sex, will I?' or 'maybe I will never be a father/mother'. I certainly have had those thoughts and many others like them swirl around my head, lying to me and discouraging me to 'go ahead and let your guard down'.

But, this is not truth, although it sounds eerily similar to a fact. But fact is, it isn't true...period.

The not-so-clever lie is that we can't have peace or certainty that God will honor us from making such a meaningful sacrifice.

That, no matter what we may think about it, what is true, is he will make our sacrifice worth our while.

Always remember this: God honors purity.

He will honor purity since he is holy, and while he calls us to "be holy as I am holy", he will provide peace and a way out of temptations. That is what he promises in scripture. And doing this, enables us to also have a proper view of the marriage covenant, love, and (when it is time) the right enjoyment of sex when we do meet our mate.

Sex is a very good thing, don't get me wrong. And our bodies are not bad either. But, the act of sex is intimate. It is all of the person, where a man and woman can be that close and enjoy each other the way that God intended, and experience the pleasure of being solely intertwined (mind, body, and soul), for each other; being given over to each other by God.

The holy covenant of marriage is a blessing and an act of worship, in becoming that one flesh, instead of just meeting a felt need or desire. So, in other words, sex is a closeness reserved, and a closeness preserved, for matrimony.

Being chaste, or a virgin, allows for that moment to be even more bonding and special, and it means that you trust God enough to wait and be patient for every part of your being to be devoted fully to another soul, before God, forever.

That is where the great beauty of matrimony, and purity, and sex, and God come together. And to have the ultimate joy in it, we have to do it his way. Otherwise, it is only a dim reflection of what it is meant to be. The boundary is given as a security measure, on God's part (him being our Father), to allow us to properly be "locked in" to that other person for life.

Emotional, mental, and spiritual purity is, yes, so very powerfully
and painfully challenging...But it wouldn't be a sacrifice, if it wasn't.

Some definitions to point out:
Virginity: someone who has not had any kind of sex/sexual intercourse.
Chaste or Chastity: being a virgin, abstaining from any kind of sex or sexual intercourse, and/or vow of abstaining from sex before marriage.
Celibacy: refers to a state of not being married, a state of abstaining from sexual intercourse and/or vow of marriage.

Abstaining: This is to stay clear of and away from images, porn, fantasy (in books, movies, daydreaming), masturbation, oral sex, and sexual intercourse...

ALL of things that entertain the body and mind to fill the desire that we have naturally, but in the wrong way. These boundaries and commands are there because God loves us and wants the best for us...he wants us to turn from the sinful nature and desires, and be holy, by leading clean lives.

So, as to prepare us for that other person, heart and soul, and for the desire to be fulfilled rightly, he asks us to keep our minds, hearts, bodies, and souls, pure.

(continued...)

Taking a Stand for Purity

2011-03-21T13:35:00.000-07:00

I will be blogging (and video tapping) to explain further what Purity is, how to choose it over other pressures, and how my experience has been (both the bad, the good, and the ugly) to live in it and keep it.

I hope to inspire others to make this choice, the best one, for themselves, for God, and for their spouses to be.

I also will include the other parts I mentioned in the video above, as to why these harm people and our society, and how volunteering (and prayer) for these areas has grown me and shown me that they are worth fighting against, if for no other reason, than to make us better people...one at a time.

2011-03-04T09:24:00.000-08:00

Love like lace,
formed gently, beautifully,
woven, spun; hung,
then cared for like juniper,
by the winds, calm.

Rolled deep into the skins delight,
scent so heavenly wrought,
a piece of music to the mind;
kind caress of spirits gaze;

Love like lace.

2011-01-10T13:35:00.000-08:00

Love Never Fails ~ 1 Cor 13

2011-01-10T13:23:00.000-08:00

Do you know this:
No One and Nothing can LOVE you more than God?
Why seek any other love, since his holy love is perfect and absolute.

Faith & Fear: realities that negate one another.

2011-01-10T12:46:00.000-08:00

I never liked the saying:
"Fear knocked on the door. Faith answered the door and there was no one there. "

Because the saying implies that fear is non-existent, like it is a fairy tale, or of our own imaginations, when we know full-well that it does.

Granted, we can imagine the worst, and do, and over rationalize or analyze (making ourselves crazy and even bound by) the things we are afraid of, but there are certainly real fears and dangers as well, that are at ready for us, behind the door, standing at will and ready to pounce on us, and/or give us hell...

OK so although, this saying doesn't look at that type of fear, it does shows us the word picture of how our thinking can be false towards our fears, and that faith can and will conquer over all fear.

So, maybe I do like the saying for revealing that, but I thought of another saying, to go along with this idea: "Faith knocked on the door, but Fear won't answer." But, that doesn't sound poetic enough, or does it??
Faith knocked at the door, but Fear won't answer.

2011-01-07T11:11:00.000-08:00

We all need each other, for the sake of self, for the sake of HOME.

2011-01-07T11:04:00.000-08:00

Even Adam had the claim to all the earth, rocks, seas and sand.
Named the birds, bees, fishes, and trees.
But he needed someone, even in the perfection of the garden.

He also had God to himself too,
yet, still he needed a coupling...someone to enjoy the Kingdom with.

No man is an Island??

2011-01-07T10:38:00.000-08:00
I saw a show recently about the islands of Britain on PBS, where people are fleeing, to where one man may live there for three years at a time...just him.

When asked how that felt, he said "Great! I am somebody here. A King here..."

I guess deep down we do want to be that important..ruling over everything, and being 'somebody'. Still no man, is an island..or should be alone..even for the sake of being self important.
Proclaiming self as KING. ;)

Excerpt from a conversation I had about pornography (and its affect on people) on my church's blog

2010-12-23T10:02:00.000-08:00

“All I’m contending is that porn is what it is because it’s more twisted and ingrained in the heart.”

-THE MIND…so ingrained in the mind, when it takes hold.

“Porn lives in feelings of acceptance, and feeling loved. It takes hold when people are alone, but only when they feel the most alone.”

-True..but not Only when they are the most alone. Sometimes, it is just a means to feel the connection they do have, that intimacy they crave not being fully met, and without the battling…the easier enticing choice; whisper of the Deceiver, like you said Sean.

I see the shame as coming from not meeting that Warriors call, feeling less than, not because they do have a woman of God behind them (although being a woman of God would help, as they are the companions that should encourage the leader of the home…ironing sharpening iron) but because they feel as if they deserve something more that really that wife is not necessarily able to fill.

It’s not always about sexual need, is my point.

Although we all crave that and have those drives, as I believe Adam and Eve were all about it, before the fall. It’s a oneness I believe they had with God, that we will never have on earth again, until Christ’s return..

If something is left in the marriage, truly I think, as the case with my family, there were some spiritual walks that were stale and that intimacy wasn’t met vertically, and therefore not horizontally.

I also experienced this in my own lack of intimacy and security in my identity in Christ. I turned to fantasy, as a woman does, with books AND movies/shows, to meet that need..but of course they failed.

I then went to pornography, after chatrooms..and I NEVER thought that I would enter that world. But, as the need grew, as it often does..you don’t control it, it controls you.

It doesn’t shame often enough, in fact, I believe that with any sin, we can justify it actually being good for us and not shameful. With me, I will say that I was shameful at points because of conviction, but I do think that the majority that are IN that sin, live with it because it is comfortable. That most don’t feel an once of guilt or shame, because they have convinced themselves they are owed it, or deserve it.

Knowing that it is a battle of the mind, that Christ is able to help us overcome, I don’t think castrating will make men stop watching. This doesn’t fit the sin, because it’s not as much physical as it is mental.

Sean, are you talking about believers or just people you meet out there? I think it’s naive in the extreme to think that taking a guy to a party to meet nice girls will “cure” his lust for pornography. I think you confront a believer about sin on the grounds that it’s sin. AND then, you can take him to a party...
But if a believer does not care about anything but his own gratification, then something is wrong with him on the INSIDE. And meeting a nice girl and even LOVING her and marrying her will not necessarily stop him from going home or to work and watching more porn.
"The cure for sin is Jesus, not parties at his house." -I agree with this.

And, it IS personal, before it is relational.

You personally have to deal with this sin/addictions before and with God, first. The wife/husband, pastor, mentor, friend can be there to intercede, walk alongside, and encourage you out, but it is your active choice not to do and overcome.

This is the battle..this is what makes a man/woman..to do the hard thing, by looking at what separates us from God and his good for us, according to his word, and for those around to speak in love against sin that they see or know of.

Shame is what the devil wants. Redemption is the way of the Lord. There is no condemnation when sin is revealed, when it is put in the proper context and light of Christ’s love and forgiveness. He can and does wash us clean.

For whoever is struggling with this, there is Hope.

The truth is:
It is not in the will of God for you, for us, and God desires your purity, your mind, body, and soul..solely devoted to him..above ALL ELSE.

In that relationship, there is freedom…and perfect intimacy.

A Christmas Prayer..that lasts all year.

2010-12-17T14:53:00.000-08:00

Jesus, my beautiful, pure, and perfect friend, sacred born at this time we remember you...
Lover of my soul, I want to have need of you more and love you more tenderly in my heart and mind, with the same passion you displayed of your love for me at the cross; in which nothing else would compare to you, the beauty and Light of the World.
I hope for the fire and the courage to continue to let go and lay down my wants, and consecrate my life to eternally follow what your will leads me to.
I love you my beautiful Savior, my God and my King.

Let everything I do bring you glory, and honor, and praise.

Thank you Father, for sending us your son so that we may all be redeemed from the darkness of sin.

2010-11-30T13:27:00.000-08:00

How can God be so good to me?? Sometimes I really don't know why...and some things I think are just horrible, horrible (or what I feel is irretrievable, unfix-able, horrible)..but he has a reason for that too.

Still, I can't even imagine why it is, for either one.

He's made good on the things I've asked for... things that bring me closer to him, that is...I guess that means I can never stop asking.

2010-11-11T12:44:00.000-08:00

The heart that loves is a heart that never stops giving of itself, out from its trust in God;
Not for itself, but for the betterment of others.

2010-11-11T12:42:00.000-08:00

Love never stops giving of itself.

2010-11-10T14:18:00.000-08:00

When I'm long gone, yet even while I am here...
life isn't about me (or you), it's about him.

"Speak Lord"

2010-11-10T12:54:00.000-08:00

If you say "Speak Lord" but keep talking, you won't hear his voice..you'll keep hearing yours. That's the opposite of communication..the opposite of prayer.

The character of God is Love.
His love is one that never ends or pauses to stop caring for needs, always prepared to sharpen us to be our better selves; to inspire our hearts and our own character to soar (towards him in truth; away from death).

Isaiah 40:31 says:But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.

He never grows tired or faint in holding us up, above all of creation...
We (being the only creation made especially in his image..the ones that can commune uniquely with him) are that precious to him.

His "silence" would be because we fail to really listen to his voice. If we're too busy talking, we can not hear the voice of God speak; we can not hear what he has to say to us.
And, if he says to us, "wait" "be patient" "not now" or "never" we must also "obey".

He speaks when we are done speaking.
This is his way; the role of the listener and speaker...
This is communication...This is prayer.

2010-11-10T12:52:00.000-08:00

'Think of yourself as a seed patiently wintering in the earth, waiting to come up a flower (C.S. Lewis)'..as God sprinkles you with his word

2010-11-05T14:22:00.000-07:00

I am a companion of all those who fear, revere, and worship You, and of those who observe and give heed to Your precepts. ~ Psalm 119:63

Love More. When people intentionally or unintentionally hurt you, remember whose you are, where your heart should be, and who you want to model after. And do not worry or be afraid, because I have the power to get you through anything you need conquer. Trust in me. I am with you. Holy Spirit
"…lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen. [let it be so] ~ Matthew 28:21
**********
I’ve got to give everything to him; relying on him more, loving him more by my belief, and be forgiving..handing over situations or relationships, so that God handles them and is honored. AND has his way, not me.I know loving is best, because that is who Christ is and commands of us..and, when I love instead of badmouth, or gossip (which I hate), or speak negatively (about anything) I feel better…What I mean is: “I” feel love, when I chose to love, instead.
************
Christ’s Love = Agape Love.
I want to always react to others as Christ would, using HIS model of loving people. Not for my sake, but for his.
Agape Love = Unconditional Love. Willing Love. Purposeful Love. Unyielding Love. Forgiving Love. No matter what Love. Non manipulative Love. Disciplining Love. Teaching Love. Guiding Love. Sacrificial Love. Unending Love. Eternal Love.
Agape Love = Fulfilling Love.

'Your love, Oh LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.'
~ Psalm 36:5

2010-10-27T11:16:00.001-07:00

I am a companion of all those who fear, revere, and worship You, and of those who observe and give heed to Your precepts. ~ Psalm 119:63

Overcoming Intimacy Paralysis

2010-10-20T12:13:00.000-07:00
http://www.crosswalk.com/11639672/

2010-10-15T13:20:00.000-07:00

Let me only find true peace and protection in what you say Lord, not at the sound of another's voice or vice.

2010-09-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

Don't understand it completely nor do I deserve it at all, but nothing can come to harm me or separate me from the love of Christ, the Lord. It's in that faith, when times get rough & unimaginably difficult, & fault ridden, that I can go back to the truth that I'm forgiven & don't need any approval to reach; not man's ...nor heaven's.
I am truly loved; understood for who I am, in what little I do,
to the least of these.

Forgive me, Lord, for failing to remember this. And thank you that your word reminds me, time and time again..because, I am limitless in my need to be reminded.
When hurt is done to me, help me to remember that love and forgiveness matter most. That unconditional love, means just that it should be unconditional, and if I am going to look like Christ, I better show love how you've shone it to me.

2010-09-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

This little light of mine should shine brighter than it does, if your love Lord is ever true.

The light of the righteous shines brightly, but the lamp of the wicked is snuffed out. You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. ~ Proverbs 6:23; Psalm 18:28; 119:105

2010-09-27T12:08:00.000-07:00

I find it interesting, that a flock of birds in the sky
can resemble a school of silver fish in the sea.

Prayer for our Brothers.

2010-09-14T14:16:00.000-07:00

Yahweh, Our Messiah and Lord of Salvation, we rest in you.
El Shaddai, come near to us..We trust in You. We know that you are our King, our Master, protector, provider, defender, and deliverer.

Your character is one of omnipotence; that we can come to you with anything at anytime, and anywhere, and you will hear our plea. You are omniscient, all knowing, and you promise to hear and answer the prayers of the righteous.

And so, we also Thank You Lord, for the righteousness bestowed upon us by and through your son. And you know our thoughts from afar, even before we ask them. Your ways are so far from our understanding and also far exceeding our imagining and expectations, and your loving heart always wants the best for your children.

We come to you because you came to meet us, and so we want to meet with you, and raise up our hands and voices to the heavens, for our brothers in Christ.

Father, with hearts that humbly seek your will, help us to become great women of faith and be good encouragers and prayer warriors, united in faith for the redemption and salvation of the men in our lives.

And, as we pray these words in these moments, we ask the power of the holy spirit move upon them through the revelation of this need. We ask for miracles in our community of believers, that our men will be men for your purpose and glory.

That our fathers, brothers, friends, husbands, have hearts and ears open to the gospel, and have them turned away from prevailing noise and influences of the culture of death, lies, and lusts.

Today, they face many battles, being bombarded on every side, fighting everything that tells them what they need to be or do to be a man.
But these are all ultimately unfulfilling and fail to meet that need; giving them a hope in false victories and promises.

When what they really need Lord, is you; to know what a man of God looks like.

What is unseen is clear to you.
So we pray for the blinders to come off the eyes of these men, so that they see their sin and find other men of caliber, faith, and character, that will come alongside them to mentor them into becoming men after your own heart.

We need leaders Lord Jesus, to help all men.
Leaders to produce leaders for our households, families, marriages, and churches, because so many things are taking the place on the throne of their hearts other than you.

So many things are taking them away from their responsibilities, spiritual lives and homes, like work pressures, addictions, debt and financial problems, sex...

Pornography is a growing rampant disease, so readily and easily accessible and harming. Fantasy and masturbation are also justified along with porn, and deemed as acceptable by this current culture as a means to gratify, but they are all, equally, not honoring to your call to purity of the mind and body.

It is a lie that men (women also) find easy to believe and allow as the best method to meet loneliness, but we are designed to honor you both sexually and mentally; looking to you to meet our needs and keep us from all and every pitfall and temptation, to instead seek to live a life of holiness, physically and mentally; free from the things that can remain strongholds for us and pull us ever apart and away from you.

All these tear at men's ability to love and honor a woman rightly, and harms the core of the man's intimate walk with the Savior and Creator of their souls.

Abuse, rape, homosexuality, adultery, mixed messages of roles of men and women, and divorce have become our norm (normal) and our reality, and we cry out to you against them.

El Roi, let the men in our community take back the responsibility and role you laid at the foundation, and initiate and pursue. To take heed to the call and duty and to be wild at heart for the Savior, being the strongest places of support; our rocks and leaders of the relationships, homes, and places of worship.

Prepare each of the unmarried to serve you wholeheartedly while still in their singleness, putting energy into action, and equip them to become strong pillars and be in readiness for their ezer knegdos, their complementary companions for life.

For the fathers to instill in their children the truth of your word and model the Christian walk in daily disciplines; implementing a life of gratitude and servitude by observing the commands to rely on the word for instruction and wisdom; through timely quiet devotions and continuous prayer.

So, we don't just ask for moral revival of hearts or behaviors, because we know that is not your will.

And instead, we ask according to your perfect will for a spiritual awakening, hunger, and fire to be born in their spirits; igniting them to be proactive in their fight against the seen and unseen warfare happening over their souls.

We pray for them to sever and be cut off from things that hinder them, that cause them to stumble. To throw off the old self and put on the new; not to justify or reason away, continuing to perpetuate barriers between yourself and them. But, draw near to you, becoming beacons of your glory instead.

That they seek to honor, follow, and please you and obey your statutes and accept your promises as their own and for their own.

Reclaim their lives unto your Kingdom and protect them from the traps of idolatry...Anything not honoring you.
For self control and purity, instead of wealth seeking, pridefulness, selfishness, me-seeking, self-serving...lives that show no regard for themselves or neighbor.

For them to understand the purpose as to why you came, and to know what real love means.
For their identity to be solely in you, and know the truth of who you are, and your great act of love for us.

We ask that through this hope, our society will be changed.

A changed community of fathers, sons, brothers, men...
So that they may live out your abundant unmerited favor, unconditional love, and mercy, and therefore transform the face of our culture into the one that honors and revers you above all else.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for the men in our lives, even those that have crossed our lives to harm us, for in ALL things you are Sovereign, and your power to restore is greater than he who wants to destroy.

Let us encourage one another with complete and persevering reverence at the gift of salvation which we all have received as your sweet sacrifice on our behalf; and remember our purpose to lift each other up daily as sweet offerings unto the Lord, that we may bless one another and honor Christ, in this act of unity and worship.

We worship you Almighty God, and pray all these things for your sons and daughters,
In Jesus Holy Name.
Amen.

2010-09-03T15:26:00.000-07:00

Oh, our egos! You think that lovely words will solve problems? That Love is all your hope and safety..all you "need"???
No, I'm not sorry to say that you are still bound and not free. You think these lovely things will be your safe blanket? Will keep the monster(s) at bay?
They won't and it's a BIG little lie.
Only thing that saves us, is not words nor a nice happy world..It is having Christ.

2010-09-03T15:24:00.000-07:00

Floods, addictions, the economy, lack of jobs, depression, sin, oil rig explosions/spills, hate, jealousy, murder, war, hurricanes, volcano eruptions, disease, famine, drought, earthquakes, fires..
How many "wake up" moments do we need, to realize we need
the Savior?
As many as it takes.

God will is a hard pill to swallow...but it goes down better if we surrender the will to spit it out.

2010-08-30T13:05:00.000-07:00
It is hard to understand God's why's and will concerning our situations, placement, and hardships. Figuring God out, is usually futile, no one knows God's mind. But, mostly these things are what makes us stronger, and we can learn from, and grow more into who we should be for him.

Agggh! Still, it isn't easy to be content with troubles or with circumstances.
But, changing them and moving yourself to another "zip code" or job, house, relationship, or situation, doesn't relieve the strain and doesn't help (or isn't best for us), if the heart hasn't changed first. ;)

It's true, if we are not happy with ourselves, by ourselves first, loving God first...we won't be happy with others..
And it is also true that contentment in where God places us today, is more important than where he may or may not place us tomorrow.

This really is where I am too.
So many good things happening, while other things are still and... stagnant; not looking to me (who only sees beyond my own nose), as something that's happening, while knowing full well, that I won't see God's big picture..and that where I am has meaning and is something purposeful in glory.

But, I don't think asking God "Why?" is good. Only, the book I am reading, suggests pouring out questions to God starting with "Why" and look back over them, to see your thoughts and worries, and then confess them and repent, where needed.
I did that the other day, and it was really good for me.

Then, another thing I found was to ask God: "What do you want to do with me?" to being available whatever the cost, wherever he places us, to do whatever he wishes...and get rid of the "why's".

It is better to let God know the frustrations that we have, and not continue to live in or with them. It is about attitude turning to gratitude, even while the storm is still raging. ;)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Also, I feel I need to say this: It is OK to be weak.
It is OK to see your weakness.
That's what Jesus came for..for the weak and oppressed...and the hopeless..to receive: HOPE.

Too many times, for approval's sake, we try and hide those emotions, fears, and worries..but appear to others (and sometimes deceive ourselves), that things are "Fine" when they aren't.

It is better to be real, with yourself and others, showing that we are human and not perfect. Otherwise, how can God be our strength??

Our perfectionistic society shy's away from these weaknesses, and it usually isn't encouraged or often acceptable to "share them".
Because, who wants to know that, or see that?? Right? WRONG!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the community of believers, it is best to be who we are, dirty rags and all...because we are already accepted through Christ.
We don't have to try and be happy or look happy, just so that others won't worry for us, or see our sin. Our value should not be in how others perceive our lives, but in how we live out our lives in relation to what Christ has done in and through us.

We may not look happy, be happy, have lives of no worry...So what??
Nothing matters at what we have or not..how we look or not..except of where our hearts are in devotion to the one who saved us.

We don't have to prove to him that we love him, he knows our hearts.
We just need to love him in our neediness, and be comforted in knowing he wants holiness from and for us, but doesn't pressure us not to be who we are: a broken soul in need of him.

Repair/Reparacion

2010-07-08T12:54:00.000-07:00

Healing, repair, and light of my heart = Jesus.
~~~~~~
Curación, reparación, y la luz de mi corazón = Jesús.
~~~~~~
Jesus is necessary for the reparation of the soul. He restores all troubles back unto his own. When we look into his face, we fear the future no longer.
~~~~~~
Jesús es necesaria para la reparación del alma. Él restaura todos los problemas de la espalda a su propia casa. Cuando miramos a la cara, nos tememos que el futuro ya no.

Inspired thoughts, today, by a sign that read "Repair/Reparacion".

2010-07-06T14:47:00.000-07:00

I am pretty sure that life is more than just walls and fences, and that Jesus was in the bridge making business.

2010-06-19T12:48:00.000-07:00
Lay still the dawn,
the moon draws near;

The sky appears.

Above clouds, cast shadows darkly.

He lightly waits, a pause to whisper.
Briefly, but hurriedly;
and waiting, still.

Aglow, the flicker candle runs;
a trail of waxy tears.

Waxing and waning,
waxing and grieving;
Stealing a dreamy second,
screaming.

But wait! She speaks!
As darkness covers his ears;

Like the summer wind,
she echoes lightly, repeating.

But the moon swallows her words,
with a round but heavy sigh.

7 Blooms

2010-06-19T12:36:00.000-07:00
7 Blooms in crowds frozen,
pillars high, but dawn chosen;
trickled past, a light broken,
feather's heir, provides unspoken;
challenge lays, to plans woven,
tails dance in fire's coven,
hurling hearts into the open.

7 Blooms came with a token.

Little African moments...

2010-06-19T12:23:00.000-07:00
I could really go for standing in the loud yet eventful cafeteria line for RVA chai and french toast, walk through the dirty and dusty road up to AIC church...yes, even that!.. Sitting through Swahili church, sucking on a KSL, and passing notes!!! Miss it all, right now.

'That sweet painful squeeze around your heart, longing for just one moment of how it was, sights, sounds, smells...then it is gone leaving a little lump in your throat.. ' Taletha Enoch Lee.

Trips downhill to warm samosas & chapatis. Hikes uphill to traintracks & waterfalls. Destroying white high top shoes. Big hair, baggy sweatshirts, sweaters, clothes. Bon Jovi. Old brown oversized leather jacket. Nairobi trips. Hearing the rain hit the tin roof of Kiambogo. Watching rubgy practice from upper grass knoll..., with friends, while sipping a coke straight from the bottle...my mind's on Kenya today.

'Saturday mornings getting up early to get fresh fruit and veggies from the ladies outside the dorm, Tues. lunch of Hamburgers and fries, banquet prep. Sunsets over Longonot... ;) I miss it too!' Heather Harmon Walton. 'The place may not change much but the fact that those people are not there with us anymore makes the whole experience different.'

It does lose something in translation, Heather.
If it weren't for all the experiences WITH others in that time, those wall encompassing discussions, floor walking, wind wrestling, ground travelling, grass sitting, mountain gazing, climbing, hiking, wouldn't ever have held the same magic that they did...Those walls, floors, etc. are just reminders of the shared moments...I know what you mean. :)

In that way, graduating from RVA, is like a massive breakup, with reminders everywhere..
but all the beloved people, time, continent, and atmosphere, displaced.

Africa, oh Africa..we miss you!

2010-06-19T12:20:00.000-07:00

Simple Faith and Plain Truth..
The first thing I want you to do is pray. Pray every way you know how, for everyone you know. Pray especially for rulers and their governments to rule well so we can be quietly about our business of living simply, in humble contemplation. This is the way our Savior God wants us to live.
1 Timothy 2: 1-3

Prayer and thoughts for the Lonely.

2010-06-19T12:07:00.000-07:00
I know real and current pain of wanting; pain of missing out on having children, seeing friends marry and have kids..
But I pray Lord, that I, and my single friends, be ready spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally, professionally, socially, financially, for our ezer kenegdos...our help meets...

For God's best for us; for his glory and use...
And, right now, for me, Father God, I'd rather be single with Jesus, helping me and growing me closer to him, rather than to be married and not be.I want your best, for me and my lonely brothers and sisters...for us to seek you first in all things, and you will give us the desires of our hearts.

I've started praying this way, for myself, the last two months, as this year, my praying life has gotten better, and I feel change through them...the differences of them, compared to other years.
I'm learning how to be more intentional with them, being more deligent as to the nature and the details and asking God for his will overall. Sometimes I end up praying for an hour (sometimes more)...
I love spending that time and studying the scriptures..I really do!
And, I really feel it when I don't act out these disciplines...

God feels far away, when I am not "present" with him.

I want only his best for me, and also pray for my husband to be (whoever he is, wherever, and whenever, he is) for his heart, mind, body, and soul etc. to be prepared in Christ also.I know this all sounds "fluffy" here, to most people, but I don't care, and it is truly the exact words I use when I pray..I am not ashamed..because 'You do not get,' says God 'what you don't ask for'..and he only answers prayer that is genuine, and for right purpose: to continue his work.

Does this mean I am to be married? I've always thought that I would, only, I never felt like I was ready..But, even more, God has shown me that I wasn't right with him, and I still need time with him and healing, so I can be my best for him and others...

So, will I be married someday, maybe...maybe not.

I have to leave lamenting, but praise God for persuing me to come to him and be in him, for now...however long that is. ... See MoreGod honors those that wait on him, and aren't hurry for their list of "to do's" to happen. I didn't always believe this, and suffered because of that.But he really does have the best in mind for all of us, all the time, and He knows it all, so, I'd rather depend on him, than on myself, and trust his chosing of my life's path, single or not.

Definition of 'Ezer':

The Hebrew word translated as helper suitable or help meet is 'ezer neged'.
The definition of Ezer is "one who has something to offer the one who is in need of aid or is helpless." Ezer is a powerful word God uses to refer to Himself.
The word Ezer used in the context of Eve's creation does not place Eve in a weaker or secondary position to Adam, just as it DOES NOT place God in a weaker or secondary position when used of His coming to our aid and our help.
The word ezer is just one portion of the Hebrew phrase used to describe the woman God took out of the side of Adam.

In the original Hebrew manuscripts the word ezer does not stand alone but is coupled with the preposition 'ke' and the adjective 'neged'. The Hebrew preposition 'ke' denotes the meaning of "according to what is in front of" or "corresponding to." The Hebrew adjective 'neged' means “what is conspicuous" or "in front.” A literal translation of ezer kenegdo is "like his counterpart, corresponding to him” and should be translated as "a power equal to him."

The Brown-Driver-Briggs Hebrew and English Lexicon translates the meaning of keneged as "equal and adequate to himself." Eve as a ezer keneged was created as an "equal and adequate helper" to work alongside Adam in unity. :)

Prayers and hope for us all as we seek his will!!!!

2010-06-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

A foreign wind, is still a closely approximated calculated and compromising sigh; one that wields with it, an approaching but distant manufactured calling.

In the Storm...

2010-04-07T13:36:00.000-07:00
Pouring rain today. I got soaked at lunch. Water rushed through my sandled feet, as chivalry opened a door and halted a truck for me, despite the circumstances. Walked to my car in the pour down, with coke and bag in hand, taking it all slow like an old lady, so I wouldn't fall on my butt...I had asked the cashier for a large, she gave me a gusher...Gushers at Jack n the Box are HUGE!

2010-03-18T12:47:00.000-07:00
A look of love says more than words can ever say.
It is the look that calms the heart.
Actions make the heart soar; a look makes the heart melt.
Hearing a soft voice is lovely; a gentle touch, heaven.
Caring words send a powerful message to the heart,
but a look of love and happiness is worth diamonds.

Valentine's Weekend Journaling (part 4 of 4).

2010-02-16T11:32:00.000-08:00
To my Valentine:
Our sinful hearts and lives look no different to you...In measure to your great holiness they weigh the same, and yet, we convince ourselves that we are not nearly worse off than our neighbor...
That the sin of them is much more than we.
No, truthfully, we are no different.

And too often we welcome our sins as part of our lives, self-labeling ourselves...as if that is who we really are.

Can what we tell ourselves we are, be truth?
We did not create ourselves, so how can we make ourselves to be something?
Something we are not, just so that our lives remain comfortable here on earth???
Who formed us in our mother's womb (Psalm 139)? You did.
Who is to tell us our worth and who we are? You are.
Who has the power to expell all the lies we've told ourselves and believed, and told other's? You have.
Who breathed the breath of life into us? You did.

Almighty One, you have all the wisdom and power in your hand. From the time of creation, you were pleased with your people (Gen. 1: 26-27, 31).
We want to please you again. So, let us come back to you, even though we have gone so very far the other direction...

And you do let us come...just as we are. Thank you for that!
Thank you for accepting me in and loving me, dirty as I am.
Wash me clean.
My heart is your's.

Valentine's Weekend Journaling (part 3 of 4).

2010-02-16T11:30:00.000-08:00
To my Valentine:
I am your servant, not because you are a taskmaster, but because I love to obey you. The joy that comes from doing your will is indescribable.

Help me to be a good steward of the gifts you give me.
Let my mouth and deeds praise you and give you glory, because of what you've done at the cross..not because I owe anything, since my debt was fully paid by you.

You are my protector.
It is a lie that we/I need to protect myself with walls, and judgements, and assumptions, and actions (or inaction), because our hearts should be open to you and to your leading, guidance, truth, and promises..because your perfect love, drives out all fear.
Guarding us, from the enemies plots, plays, plans, and purposes...
Reminding us, that our circumstances do not define us. Poor and rich, accomplished or the struggling/surviving, we are the same to you.

Valentine's Weekend Journaling (part 2 of 4).

2010-02-15T15:55:00.000-08:00
To my Valentine:
The heart of my woman's heart longs for the protection, provision, power, and love of a man, and the feeling of knowing the touch of my child's love.
But how much so, do you wait for me to love you?
You who are my father?

You are so patient with me, and I am so stubborn to see that nohting in this world, nor what I "want" will ever fill the need I have for your healing comfort; your saving love and affection for my soul. My spirit needs you, that the "wanting" becomes so a desire for your company; for you to be near.

This world is broken, and I am too; we both need you.
All of us here, need your mending.

Your power over everything, over the darkness of our hearts, is so great, that even while we hate you, you still wait for us patiently with love. You wait and long for us to come close. To let everything go that occupies us; this busy noisy world and our restless minds, to find home...
To find our hearts treasure in you (Matthew 6:21).
A place of quiet.
A place of refuge.
A place of renewal...and grace.
A place of perfect peace.

My soul is comforted when you are near.
Blessed be your name in all the earth.
Wash me clean.

Valentine's Weekend Journaling (part 1 of 4).

2010-02-15T15:31:00.000-08:00
To my Valentine:
Lord, thank you for time spent with friends last night. Back with old cherished friends with good food, drink, and movie. Thank you for your loving spirit, so gracious, merciful, and mighty.

Oh, Lord, I cry because you are so faithful.
You shower blessings on me at every turn.
How can I keep myself from praising you?
Nothing on earth compares to your great love.

The pieces of my life are your building blocks.
Whatever happens comes from your hand, and I give it back to you.
My needs are met by you. I need no worry to occupy my mind.
What talents you give me, you will us for your glory, because my life belongs to you.

What little faith have I, that sometimes I don't even know myself. I cry out for understanding, but your ways are so far above my comprehension.

I don't need to look around every corner, because you have my back Lord.
I don't need to be afraid of man, of what tomorrow may or may not bring.
I don't need to placate, or live to please man by honoring them or flattering them, because I need only to honor you; to live my life solely to please you, and you alone.
I don't need to search for accolades, or power, or man's approval. My worth is in you, Lord. Living for your kingdom come and not my own, is my purpose.
Humbly I fall at your feet.
Wash me clean.

2010-02-15T14:47:00.000-08:00
Petrified.
Unglued.
Profane glory,
Feed me.

2010-02-15T14:41:00.000-08:00
Life spark.
One gentle breeze.
You calm me.

Practicing Greatness

2009-12-31T09:34:00.000-08:00
In Prayer Life:
What is God's agenda?...God's agenda is the gospel.
Your prayers tell what YOUR agenda is about...
God's plan should be over our plan.
Our plan's shouldn't supercede God's.
So, when you pray, what is the agenda you are praying about?
Ask: What's the subject in my prayer? Am I about my deal only?
Is the gospel in your prayers?...in your life???

Suffering:
Greatness involves suffering.
We are good at being avoiders; equating suffering with consequences, so we avoid.
But suffering can be about disobedience too.
Jesus learned obedience to God's will through suffering (Hebrews 5:8).
Ask: Why am I suffering?
The greater purpose of your suffering can be obedience.

Obedience:
Lord, see me through from disobedience to obedience.

"I want to lose my life in You so I can save it (Luke 9:24). Teach me what that means. Speak to me so that I may understand. Help me to say Yes to You immediately when You give me instruction for my life. My desire is to please You & hold nothing back. Rule me in eve...ry area of my life, Lord, & lead me into all You have for me". (excerpt from Power of a Praying Woman).
Service:
Greatness is about service.
A leader puts others above themselves.
One can have influence, but that doesn't mean they have power. Power, is about serving.
Do leaders you know embrace the role of a servant?
The servants role is to do for others when it's inconvenient, uncomfortable, to people you don't like,...
What is Greatness? Greatness is serving others".
Sermon notes from "Practicing Greatness".
Sermon found at http://journeyon.net/

Letting God be God.

2009-12-17T13:18:00.000-08:00

Inspired by this post at (AC) Advent Conspiracy:
Letter from an atheist.
Share
Today at 11:27am
You know what makes me smile a lot? When I get emails from from people I would normally never expect who love the concept of [AC]. Recently I’ve been receiving an unusual amount of emails from atheists who love what this movement represents. Yesterday I talked with a person online who wrote me this note.
She gave me permission to post it:

I love this movement, the Advent Conspiracy movement. I’ve been trying to get my family to do this for the last two years, long before I heard about this. A few years ago, I told my family that i think we should refrain from buying gifts for each other on Christmas, and instead donate the money to charity. My family all thought it was a terrible idea, and even called me a Godless heathen. (In jest, mind you, but still I found it quite ironic). For the record, I am a former Catholic who drifted comfortably into atheism some ten years ago, although I still celebrate Christmas out of family tradition. Over the years, I became more disgusted with the commercialization of Christmas and realized that it had become a Hallmark Card holiday, having little to do with the core values of Christianity and more to do with retail sales figures all wrapped up in marketable Pagan imagery.
The greatest thing about Christianity to a non-believer like myself is that, even after you strip away the more miraculous elements of the faith, you are left with a central figure in Jesus Christ, who preached love and forgiveness and charity and goodwill to his fellow man. At its best, Christianity is a religion about love and peace and I believe that message is all but lost among far too many of today’s Christians. Anyway, I just want to tell you I think you’re doing a great thing and I hope that more people follow this movement. I’m going to forward this video to everyone I know who celebrates Christmas (including Christians, Catholics, Protestants and even Godless heathens like myself, still bound to the holiday by tradition)
Keep up the great work!
And Merry Christmas!

Now here’s the deal. I know that [AC] isn’t the only thing that’s wooing people back to God. I know you have stories where His love reached a person in your life in ways that is nothing short of a miracle. I just celebrate that this thing is, in its own small way, spreading the Gospel to people who have given up on God. It’s telling people that maybe there’s still hope. That maybe God isn’t finished with their story yet. That maybe the sum total of God’s grace isn’t wrapped up in a bad experience they had years ago. Will this person come back to her faith? I hope so. But I’m thankful that God gave us a small part in redeeming her story. I am personally dealing with a similar situation with a very close relative of mine. She really wants to know Jesus, but she has SO much baggage from her past. For some time I use to feel like I was responsible for saving her. I felt like I had to “sell” Jesus to her.
I was so wrong. I had to step back and simply love her, and be ok with that. Is she a Christ follower yet? No. But she and I have had some beautiful conversations. That’s largely happening because I’m no longer an “on the clock” Christian with her. So here’s my challenge: This season, as you hang with families and friends who may not agree with your faith, sit and hear their story. Love them genuinely; don’t feel like you have to punch in the spiritual clock and “sell” God to them.
Let God be God, and then see what happens.
*****************
“Sit and hear their story”..Do we ever really try to do that with people?? With even those that believe Like us??
And, "Let God be God" ..well, that just kicks my butt..
Here’s a quote I love that I think also expresses this best:
"...the Lord's Grace enters and does the rest..We are workers, not master builder;ministers, not messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own. " ~ Archbishop Oscar Romero.
*************
“Letting God be God” to me, means that sometimes we can let them know about what Jesus did for them (his birth, life, and death), certainly show the love of Christ in our actions by loving them where they are, as well as express the great love and comfort he has for them even, but ultimately the sinking in of what that means and the believing, THAT work (the personal relationship choice), is between them and God.
Showering people with the warmth and acceptance that God has so freely given us, is the work the Lord has called us to do, and then what He does with that (his job/work), is to take that fire straight to the heart.

Purposeful Thoughts

2009-11-17T13:26:00.000-08:00
To me, purpose is not really felt or arrived at, unless I examine the nitty gritty of who I am. My identity holds important value, by using my God-given abilities, seeing what needs to be accomplished by them, for him..because life belongs to him.

My purpose is found in Christ, so my identity is held by him. I surrender more and more to his leading, asking for wisdom on where I need to be.

My purpose is drawn by him, the great artist that He is.. and He knows me, loves me, teaches me..and He sends me.

*******************************************************

There is no identity without relationship between knowing who you are, and knowing WHOSE you are..that familial placement.

True and meaningful identity is returning to that "home".

WATCH THIS!!!! :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMSufkxBzZQ

My ART Passport's Bad Stampings cont.

2009-11-13T15:41:00.000-08:00
After writing so much, it morphed into songwritting...I wrote dozens and dozens of lyrics of which I have no clue that they are any good, but still I copywrote a volume of those, and intended to pursue that biz too.
Again, I paid to have someone work out a song of mine, in Nashville..Ugh, it was horribly horribly done.
Bad move.
So, I never tried again.

I also developed sketch designs for perfume (names, ideas, ads), and I compilled them, and sent them off very naively to a company in New York, and guess what??
I never heard from them.
Duh! And, when I called them, they said they had never recieved the package. RIGHT!!!!
So, guess what, I can swear to you now, that Britney Spears, Mariah Carey, and the like, have fragrances that resemble my designs TO A TEE.
TO A TEE, I say!!!!
I have NO proof of course (except for my sketches and name ideas, etc..no proof to sending it to them, I mean), but each perfume ad and bottle, I see, to this day, is a reminder to me of my missteps.
So, you (you can say it with me now) I never tried again.

So, as you can see, I have been let down, where the creative Art World is concerned, and it is a bummer, when you feel that you have all these things in you, and nowhere or nothing to do with them...
They really start to feel pretty useless, to be honest.

And, flash forward to now, year2009, and spiritually speaking, God's got me right where he wants me.
He is getting me back on track with him, so that I am no longer angry and confused, but trusting and accepting what he has in store for these things, with a better outlook on the failed attempts I've experienced, and that I need to do them with HIM in mind.

I did those things in my own strength, and trusting in myself to "get the job done".
Processing this (among other things) is really hard, but doable.

He's now got me in touch with the most AMAZING talented people (that I have to admit being a little, if not, crazily jealous of), and I am blessed to have them around me.But, I will say this, it is hard hard hard, to have Art all up in my face, like it has been, like an uncontrollable fungus fest...

Enticing, Exciting happenings like film festivals and gallery events feed me, but also depleat me, since my history with art has been riddled with bad stampedge on my Art passport.

When all these opportunities, and all things-a-glittering and shiney testimonies of creation flitter in my face, it is really bittersweet, to say the least...and I don't quite understand what God wants me to do with, both the stuff coming at me, or the stuff he has within me..

This is what I meant, when I said: "It's like putting raw meat in front of a hongry lion, but saying you can't eat this".

I just, have to trust God will lead me to where I need to be, and how I can use these things I have, best. :)

My ART Passport's Bad Stampings.

2009-11-13T15:38:00.001-08:00
Let's see if I can break down my irkness with God about my Artistic pursuits.
This will be news to most, as most (including family, or should I say, especially family) don't know what I've been up to (behind the scenes), where my artwork is concerned, and it will explain A LOT as to why I haven't "gotten back on the horse".

In 1994, I was in college, thriving in the Art and Theatre departments, really enjoying life and college living. I loved doing dinner theatre and children's theatre there, and was always given the "out there" parts that no one else would do; really "over the top" ones, that engaged the audience..OH MY GOSH, I LOVED it!!I was really really really happy then.

That year, however, I approached the Art Director of the U with my clothing sketches (I have a sketch book filled with them), looking to him for some straight guidance on where to go with this talent I found I had...Well, He pretty much starred at me blankly, at the meeting, and only said: "They're good, really good".
And, that's all I got..
Seriously, THAT"S..all!!!
I was crushed..because if the Art Director of a University couldn't point me the right way, whomever else could??
So, I never tried again.

I had an emotional breakdown, that summer, a pretty intense one..I got out of the Theare dept. picked up and moved up to STL area, to try and get some help. So, I left my "Art world" behind (sort of), but even while depressed, I pressed on.

I went to a casting call in Kansas City for modelling and acting, with my sis Kim and her hubby Jacob a few years later. What A BUST that was, and a total waist of money...I went two or three other times to random agency/castings (in the Lou), and all were wanting me to go to acting classes but I was broke, so, no dice.
I was shattered by this...
So, I never tried again.

I've written hundreds and hundreds of poems over the years (compilled into about three volumes, I think)...and wanted to get them (or some) published. *Again, turned out to be a cash cow, that didn't produce any milk.*
I researched painstakingly, in the library (yes, before the internet), for ways to do so..bought books, read up, etc..It didn't help.I forked over money once, to be in some poetry volume..Stu-pidity!!!!
So, I never tried again.

I did all of these things ALONE (save the trip to KC with my sis and her hubby), yes, alone, and I had absolutely NO CLUE or any IDEA what the heck I was doing..
It was all wrong..wrong timing, wrong way, wrong everything.
I had no "people" no connection with artists or networks, and I think I partly did all of these things without God at the center.
All this equaled to: BAD.

But, I kept trying..Isn't that the craziness of it???
Even in anger to God, I kept on trying.
MY beef was that I didn't understand how he would give me all sorts of talent, and not lead me to where I could contribute/use them..It made no sense.

(continued...YES, there is more!!! Believe it!)

Perfect Timing: God’s Not Done Yet.

2009-11-06T14:08:00.000-08:00

Hearing is believing...This is from a conversation I had this week that encouraged me greatly, so, I wanted to share my thoughts on it:

Jesus was a baby, a little boy, then a carpenter, until he reached age when he was mature enough and equipped to begin the work of his Father.
He was 33 years old when this happened.
Carpentry was a decent vocation, but not ultimately his calling, or purpose... His purpose came to fruition not a moment too late, nor a moment too soon.

Too often we set time limits and life lists for ourselves, and then proceed to arrogantly, selfishly shove them (with a sense entitlement too), in God’s face and become angry and resentful (and most often rebellious) when He doesn’t fulfill the drawn-up-planned criteria we proposed, or think we’ve needed, like, Yesterday!!!

Patience is still that same virtue, and time is still a commodity that we have the privilege of experiencing (on this plane), but practicing patience is the most precious discipline, and teaches us both the ownership and value of time management and self- control.

We have to always constantly remind ourselves that our lives are limit(full) (including our time), and His existence is limitless. God is NOT on our time, and what He choses to do in us, is when He sees fit to accomplish it; for it to be for our complete best.

So what we want now, we can and have the ability and capacity to wait for with humble anticipation, reverence, faith, and trust in what He will produce out of "our" time and lives, because He gives when it is right and good and never at a moment too soon.

His perfect will would not be perfect, if it wasn’t also within the confines of His perfect timing either.

Remember:
1 Corinthians 1:9
9God is faithful (reliable, trustworthy, and therefore ever true to His promise, and He can be depended on); by Him you were called into companionship and participation with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

2009-11-05T11:27:00.001-08:00
Sometimes, we have to spread our wings (and hope and trust and reflect), but Love, the true kind, never takes a vacation.

The Broken Vessel

2009-10-23T15:10:00.001-07:00
It's rough for the grown up, to have that childlike faith, with the experiences and difficutlies of life being compounded and continuously multiplied..

I'm SLOWLY learning that my life is not the broken vessel I've believed it to be, but a mosaic piece that God has intricately put together.

Jeremiah 2:13 For My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken Me, the Fountain of living waters, and they have hewn for themselves cisterns, broken cisterns which cannot hold water.

When he views our brokeness with all his light on his end, we "broken vessels" shimmer. But what we see in our darkeness, is that we are the ugly, misshappened, hole ridden pieces..not the lovely creations that he has woven together in experience and time.

Our beautiful fabrication happens (and continues) also, as he is able to patch the holes (those wounds and dents) of life lived, when we ask and let him..

We, the broken vessel, can be made whole AND durable (stable, strong, and secure) enough then; able to hold the "water" that Fountain of life gives..that which we crave and need to sustain our shape, worth, and certain value.

2009-10-21T14:17:00.001-07:00
There is beauty in the quiet rain, yet even the torrents bring powerful glory.

Rain Moments

2009-10-21T14:12:00.000-07:00

Did laundry at the laundromat last night, when the rain started. Only one other person was in the place, so, all you could hear was our washers, the faint sound of the late night news, and the rain outside.
So, I just sat there while I waited, and enjoyed the night rain, hearing it, and seeing the street lamps shine on the sleek blackened street. The sound of cars swishing through it, was a nice repreave too, from the tedious task of clothes washing...It was a good "rain moment".

2009-09-28T11:40:00.001-07:00
To love...so very hard.
To Faint..easiest..but ever so softly made and done;
lacking net-viened worth in the fiegned effort,
for the treasured prize.

Puting a PIn in it (continued)

2009-03-08T10:36:00.000-07:00
(not quite finished with this and it will be revised asap, but these are my current thoughts)

Forgiveness, that's part two of my struggle.

As Christians we are meant to for forgive any wrong doing, as God has forgiven us.
So, when someone "crosses" us, by whatever means, knowingly or unknowingly, we must forgive them, period.

But "forgiving" raises so many questions for me:

Can we forgive and be around those that have done the wrong??
Do we have to ever be around them again?
Is moving on, after one forgives, look like moving on as in relationally; by physical removal of onesself from the person or persons?
Does moving on look bad, if you think it would be best for you?
Do you think about yourself or the others involved?
Do you risk to sacrifice yourself and your hurt and your concerns, even if you may have the same issues or different issues arrive later with those same person or persons?
Are all people good for us?
If you care for people, does that caring mean that you must be with them?
And, if you can't, at least for a time (or longer), is that a bad thing??

I heard a sermon by John Piper recently, that said that the bible explains well what forgiveness is, and, in by doing that, you can find out what forgiveness is not.

Click here to listen to his sermon:
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByScripture/14/868_As_We_Forgive_Our_Debtors/
He said that to forgive you don't have to forget.

God doesn't forget, but forgives us. He hasn't lost his memory, nor have we, when it comes to sin or wrongdoing on our part or on anothers. We have to forgive ourselves when we do wrong, and also, we have to forgive others when they do wrong (to themselves, other people, or to us). When we forgive, we know what happened, but choose to put it behind, and press forward.

What does pressing forward or moving on look like?
The Bible wants those that are apart to come back into relationship with each other.

Some more questions arise for me because of this:

What if that relationship is bad for you, them, or just not a safe place for you to be in??
Is there a way to be in community and care, but care, even after reconciliation, from afar??
Does one need to be in active participation in a relationship, if you've reconciled??
Does one trust the person or persons after forgiving?
If someone doesn't trust, after forgiving, what will that look like for the relationship?
Do you have to trust after the forgiving part?
If you don't trust, how do you be in community with the person or persons?
How do you be an authentic member of community, love and honor the person well, if you are not in community with them?
Does loving them well mean that you must be in a relationship with the persons or has the friendships reached an expiration date (more on expired friendships later in blog)?

NOTE: As you can see, I am wrestling with a lot of different angles of this...It is going to take some time, and I hope my friends and community know that I am examining this in order to produce in me, a person that forgives rightly and does not harbor bitterness. This self criticism is both time consuming and difficult, and I just ask that those around me be in prayer and encourage my steps toward growth in character, heart, mind, and spirit.

Some of the problem, he said, is that to have reconcilement, or resolve in a relationship, the other person must be repentative. If there isn't that repentance, then reconciling can not be possible. Forgiveness on your end, may be a reality, but if there is blockage for reconciliation, then it ends there.

That's where Trust comes into question:

If I forgive, and reconcile, does that mean I trust them again?
Can you reconcile without trust?
If you don't trust, then how can you be around or be in authentic community well?
Does one have to be in "good standing" (trusting) everyone??
I mean, you can love people, but is it loving to not trust and bury the fact that you don't?
Do you bury the fact that you don't? no, you deal with it.
What does "dealing with it" mean?
Does that mean that you need to trust????

Love your neighbor as yourself..
but does this involve trust???

A friend passed on that sermon and also he is in prayer for me. One thing he reminded me off, was that trust has to be earned.
So if that is true, why do I feel this overwhelming need to trust???
I believe it's because that is my deep desire, only I have to make peace with the idea that my desire may not come to fruition, or if it does, it will take some time.

Nonfast Turtle Juice.

To My Husband

Flags and Pledges: What in the world does it matter?

The Greatest Gift

Saying "Goodbye" to you, 2011.

Remembering Miami part3

Remembering Miami part2

Remembering Miami

If you value life at conception to death, then you should respect all life from conception to death. Remembering then, that each person who does not think as you is also a child of God, valuable, a treasure, and loved by the Creator of us all.

The Best Day -- So Thankful.

Taken

The Insult

Cyclone (part 6)

Cyclone (part 5)

Cyclone (part 4)

Cyclone (part 3)

Cyclone (part2)

Cyclone

One Saturday.

My Response: Prayer for our Nation.

We don't need things, we need Christ.

When he is our everything, we'll need for nothing, because he promises us peace, joy, & love eternal.

"Be confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on unto completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

~Philippians 1:6

Examine yourself to see if you are always doing God's will and not your own. (Psalm 139)

You're rare and beautiful...and loved.

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD. Psalms 31:24

War is risky business. Love is risky business...Both are necessary.

If we are soldiers for Christ (who encompasses all that its holy), then we should be on the front lines against all that is evil.

God is not interested in your press release, or mine -

He's interested in His bottom line: His Kingdom Come.

~sermon notes

Where happiness is concerned, redemption has to deal with the state of one's soul, rather than the state of one's life.

Romantic Pornography: Sweet Lies of the Chick Flicks.

Father's Day ode to my Papa.

It is Mother's Day this weekend, so I posted this picture here to honor her. She is such a beautiful special compassionate woman, full of faith, love,and joy.

I love her and the influence that she has brought out in me over the years (especially the recent ones). She is my confidant, prayer warrior, and book suggester/giver; a true lover and example of God's word. Love you so much, Mom.

God continues to do great things.

Be good to all people. When you do, you are being good to God.

"Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it's in your power to help them." ~Proverbs 3:27

"Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone--especially to those in the family of faith." ~ Galatians 6:10

How to say "NO" and remain Pure (part 3)

How to say "NO" and remain Pure (part 2)

How to Say "NO" and remain Pure.

Taking a Stand for Purity

Love like lace,formed gently, beautifully,woven, spun; hung,then cared for like juniper,by the winds, calm.Rolled deep into the skins delight,scent so heavenly wrought,a piece of music to the mind;kind caress of spirits gaze;Love like lace.

Faith & Fear: realities that negate one another.

No man is an Island??

Excerpt from a conversation I had about pornography (and its affect on people) on my church's blog

A Christmas Prayer..that lasts all year.

Jesus, my beautiful, pure, and perfect friend, sacred born at this time we remember you...

Lover of my soul, I want to have need of you more and love you more tenderly in my heart and mind, with the same passion you displayed of your love for me at the cross; in which nothing else would compare to you, the beauty and Light of the World.

"Speak Lord"

Overcoming Intimacy Paralysis

Forgive me, Lord, for failing to remember this. And thank you that your word reminds me, time and time again..because, I am limitless in my need to be reminded.

Prayer for our Brothers.

Oh, our egos! You think that lovely words will solve problems? That Love is all your hope and safety..all you "need"???

No, I'm not sorry to say that you are still bound and not free. You think these lovely things will be your safe blanket? Will keep the monster(s) at bay?

They won't and it's a BIG little lie.

Only thing that saves us, is not words nor a nice happy world..It is having Christ.

Floods, addictions, the economy, lack of jobs, depression, sin, oil rig explosions/spills, hate, jealousy, murder, war, hurricanes, volcano eruptions, disease, famine, drought, earthquakes, fires..

How many "wake up" moments do we need, to realize we need

the Savior?

As many as it takes.

God will is a hard pill to swallow...but it goes down better if we surrender the will to spit it out.

Repair/Reparacion

7 Blooms

Little African moments...

Prayer and thoughts for the Lonely.

In the Storm...

Valentine's Weekend Journaling (part 4 of 4).

Valentine's Weekend Journaling (part 3 of 4).

Valentine's Weekend Journaling (part 2 of 4).

Valentine's Weekend Journaling (part 1 of 4).

Practicing Greatness

Letting God be God.

Purposeful Thoughts

My ART Passport's Bad Stampings cont.

My ART Passport's Bad Stampings.

Perfect Timing: God’s Not Done Yet.

Love like lace,
formed gently, beautifully,
woven, spun; hung,
then cared for like juniper,
by the winds, calm.

Rolled deep into the skins delight,
scent so heavenly wrought,
a piece of music to the mind;
kind caress of spirits gaze;

Love like lace.